Day 7 Regret

Regret

In my life I carry here, with me many regrets, things I wish I had said, where I want to go back and correct what had been lived either through my responses as words or my actions as fears.

I must realize that I am here, and that what it was that I lived was not having accepted the moment and my self and instead existed as what I believed I should be as a woman, a sister, a mother, a wife, a friend. All of this were based on relationships and not a consideration of what is best for this world as life, where the value is life and thus life is realized as the very substance of my self being one and equal to all that is here in this world. Where the being of my self as the only choice was the response as my self as life, and not an idea as what I was supposed to be and within this belief an idea that if I did not respond as what I was supposed to be I would lose a means of surviving as I had been told that this is what I had to do to survive.

Within this, it does not mean that everything said was right or wrong. There were things said that were as a “living word” where, in common sense, what was said was directive and helpful.

Regrets held onto are the very same action and being a voice of what was proper to say in believing I had to be a certain idea and persona as what I was taught, and what I have accepted and allowed as I feared standing up as my self as life. Also what I feared as failing should I take a direction where I placed my self in a position that was one of opportunity to be self responsible. I feared the responsibility of my self and thus heald back. Even here, holding onto a regret is the same action again. 

All regrets must be let go, to become my self here, as the past cannot be what is here, it is gone, what is here is a regret to which I cling, leading to more regret for not having let something go and realizing that my responsibility is to be here, in this moment, being self responsible as life, with the directive as what I am as life, and thus life, the very substance that is what everything here composes as this physical world, that which is what is best for all, as life is giving as one would like to receive, evident in a planet called earth that is giving unconditionally. This means to align myself with what I am, and that is life/ the physical. It is this alternate reality, which is my self not being here, that is my self as regret and thus my self existing in my past, as some refraction/image/idea/separation of my self. Breath, the physical is what is here, that which is life, so, through self forgiveness and corrective application do I process my self equal to this physical, here substance in and as life.

Here I forgive my regrets to clean up all that is of the mind, as regrets and thus shame for not being my self, and realign my self to life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have the thought that there was something I should have said.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that speaking up as my self, within the principle of oneness and equality, will mean the loss of my self, not realizing that when I speak words as ideas, beliefs and opinions I am speaking as the alternate reality I have created in and as my mind where I speak as a relationship within a value system as the world system of profit where (o0 pi I on a label, where I be-lie-ve if I do not maintain relationships that are the norm of my culture I will lose an ability to survive and thus have the means to survive within this world system.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am obligated to the relationships of family, and friends, and siblings, and men, and society be-cause I fear losing these relationships should I not answer to  them as what supports them instead of being self responsible as life as my self here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear losing the attention and support within these relationships, which is my self fearing my self as life, dis-trusting the physical, not realizing that my self as life one with the physical is the only response as this is what is best for all and best for my self as there would be no regrets to burden my self as I hold onto this regret, this past, that is not my self being here, responding as my self as life with the physical in actually becoming and being the living word and  instead carry this regret that is a response in relation, a separation, as survival into the future, and thus never really life here equal to this physical human body..

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am responsible within a relationship, as answering to a relationship is separation as the relationship is the obligation and I believe that there is something wrong with me should I not maintain this relationship despite the self dishonesty I exist as in placing my support into and as a relationship and not my self as life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am responsible for others, where response for another is manipulation as I am attaching strings in and as my mind onto another, an imagined placing of strings as believing I am a puppeteer  dis allowing the self direction of the other and not realizing that the physical world allows unconditional self being- ness and movement in alignment with the physical laws of this world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self  to not realize that in being self responsible as my self as life, I become the response as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that there was something wrong with what I had said in not partaking within the societal accepted and allowed and defined roles with family and friends, and siblings, where I feared if I did not say what was expected within the string of relation separate from the equality of the physical,  I would no longer have friends, or support from this community of people with which I interact.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear push back should I not speak what is accepted within an obligatory relationship within the accepted and allowed norms .

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear the fear as the action within my self and in others that manifest as spite/anger/verbal attack/ judgement of character/ diminishment of character/ in standing and pointing out the lack of insight as to what actually exists within and as this world.

I forgive my self for  allowing and accepting myself to regret not being affectionate in certain moments in my life, for fear I would be rejected and fear I was incapable of giving proper support to another as I believed my self inferior, where I did not stop and become present with what was here and realize that I had no obligation in being responsible for the other, but only had a responsibility to speak as my self as life, placing the other in my own shoes and answering as my self where I was then not responsible for the actions taken by the other.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to regret at times  having been so worried about money and children I was not being self responsible as my self as life, I was too busy being worry and fear for the future within the development of my children and making money to support the existence of my family and my children.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to regret having separated from my self as life, as being here in the present moment in common sense of how this physical world functions  and instead became worry about the future, wanting to lesson the financial burden of my husband.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I am responsible for the actions of my husband.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe there was something i could have, should have, would have done, yet even if this is true, it is not what is here and thus all guilt and regret and shame is pointless as it is not going to direct my self as what is best for all as my self as life, here that which includes this physical world and all that supports this physical world that is me as what is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to regret having suppressed myself when I could have spoken up, yet instead I became annoyed as I was caught up in all that I believed I needed to do within the scheduled day within which I existed.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self  to regret not realizing I know those moments where I did not speak up and allowed my self to constrict within and as my self as I suppressed my self  instead of speaking up as I believed my obligation was to the relationship and not my self, and thus I abused my self  and  punished my self in not having been self honest.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not accept that I am not responsible for another, that the actions of another are the responsibility of the other and not my self responsibility.

.I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe there are holes in my self where I long for a moment from the past not realizing that what I am feeling is regret, for myself not being here, one and equal with what is real, and instead wanting energetic emotional support, a separation from equality with this physical world, that which is life, emotional support being in separation and of the mind as ego.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have regret in not stopping and looking at what was here in moments I experienced doubt and uncertainty, where I did not take the time to stop and investigate my own doubt and went along with what was happening instead of looking at my own doubt and then believing that I  had the choice to do whatever I wanted regardless of self dishonesty to my self as life, of which I am aware.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to regret not having looked at my children more as they were growing up, especially after the death of their father when I allowed and accepted my self to become anxious in fearing failure and in so being fear instead of  self present and breathing  one with what was here in the moment.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to regret not having stopped and hugged my husband on that afternoon he came home looking very nervous because I was so busy listening to the boys and getting ready to go and visit my sister, where I blame my self for the end of this relationship as failure, were failure is of the ego feeling loss as in not having succeeded, a polarity of the mind and not self physically present here, aware of how this world functions and creates stress and abuse as existence within propagating the mind and this a alternate reality directed within a system of profit and economic debt, where self has not developed self directed being-ness as equality with what is real, this physical world.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to be regret having gossiped socially, as being regret is ego and not my self here, where I forgive my self for allowing and accepting gossip no matter what, and I remain here in breath, and realize the abuse that gossip is as it is competition and spite and jealousy towards another for what self has accepted and allowed as feelings of inferiority, and any feelings of regret are actually in relation to the ego having failed in achieving an expected outcome in relation to winning within a survival based system that dis-regards this physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to  not stand up and speak about how this world exists that is unacceptable not realizing that this as me is the cause as to why this world exists, where what I am regretting is not having won something, as in having others realize and agree with my opinion, not realizing that my feelings of regret are my ego wanting to win, and not my self in consideration of what is best for all without regret as what is best for all is the only choice as the self directive principle of my self as life within this physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that regret is my self as ego hating to have failed within my relationships, where no equality was ever lived as each ego attempted to impose their alternate reality onto the other as the values accumulated through family, education, society and culture, the personalities of constructed values, selected and composed into beliefs, ideas and opinions to become the energetic “go” as persona as mind, where no two personalities are alike, and cross cultural personalities clash as each emotional response of the other assumes understandings unspoken which is impossible to be understood as automatic response which in essence is what a personality is - walking billboard of ideas trying to find a match, and thus this will never ever be a living interaction in this physical world as equals physically existing equal and one to life here as this physical world.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that this can be known and I can stand there and try with all my might to explain this, and what I will receive to the same repeated words from the other as though NOTHING I had said could be heard, but if I am a walking memory of ideas that are the appearance as personality I will, as this is ego, not hear anything and thus the communication will fail and I will end up as regret because in essence my “persona” was not accepted and within this, if I believe that this personality is all that I am, I will feel rejected and blame my self as having failed, when all that happened was two memory cards trying to find a match. 

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to exist as regret, that the moment I feel regret I realize that I am no longer here, equal and one, breathing, with what is actually physically here, this couch, this chair, this coffee table, my shoes, my shirt, my toes, the trees outside the window, this actual physical here world.

When and as I find my self wavering into and as an image of a past relationship, be it a man, my children, my parents, peers, associates, siblings and a feeling of regret comes up I stop and I breath and I bring my self back here to the physical, I see where I am wondering off into some alternate image reality and I realize that should I allow my self to go there I am existing in and as energy that is using my human physical body as a resource to support an illusionary world and I stop, I breath, I use every ounce of my will to focus my self here in breath.

I commit to remaining here in breath, and I commit to reading blogs of self forgiveness for twenty one days, and I practice holding my self here in and as breath, like practicing vibrato, where one feels the form of the movement in slow motion and then slowly one speeds up the movement being aware of the reach of each rise and fall, all the while maintaining awareness so as to not allow habit to become the movement and I begin to have control in holding the vibrato in awareness, such is my self in and  as breath here, where I become the creator of my self and not my self as accepted and allowed copy of what this world has presented to me that I should exist as, which is embedded into me from day one, where I never had the chance to learn to move my self as my self as all that happened was I accepted and allowed directives from without and not actual physical self experience and development.

I commit my self to remaining with breath focusing with breath here, self forgiving all feelings of regret realizing regret for what it is, my ego, mind alternate reality  being in self pity as failure for NOT having found a matching/compatible persona/ego alternate reality to feed the wants needs and desires as the energy alternate reality of my self.

I commit my self to being here as breath, becoming one and equal to this physical world, to realize this physical real world, and to stop the mind.

I commit to  focusing on breath and stopping feelings of self doubt, self pity, self abuse and self victimization and I bring my self back to my self here and as breath, centered and focused on breath here as my human physical body breathing here, I touch tables, I feel my toes and I realize this physical world here in every moment until I  am one and equal to this physical world.