Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Day 238 Reaction Dimension : Victim Character

Reaction Dimension : Victim Character

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to ignore the emotions and feelings that I accepted and allowed as valid, used to substantiate an emotional feeling body that was the signifier of my own self judgement in a self interested belief of what appeared as a more than or less than belief in fear of loss, which in themselves became habits/behavioral patterns of ignorance, separating myself from here, from stability, as breath, in common sense in and as life , here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to stand watching my friend participate within her new group and allowing myself to stand within a behavior of ignorance in and as believing myself to be a victim of rejection, not seeing realizing and understanding the existent survival MO of society, where limited values are accepted as proper presentation of self, instead of realizing the value is life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have become a behavior of less than, as I compared myself to my friend with all her new friends surrounding here as meaning I was less than, as I stood alone, where I also compared the qualities made huge as how the new group dressed and accentuated feminine aspects as having more value than myself, where I allowed myself to believe myself to be a victim of betrayal, when in fact, had I looked at the structure of society as a whole - not using a morality taught through family, culture, society, I might have seen realized and understood that this friend was simply following the rules of survival, just as what I was falling back on within a self protection and defense value judgement to make myself feel good and more than in reaction to my less than reaction as loss, as being somehow unworthy, as in lacking something - I might have slowed myself down and realized that the actions of my friend were nothing to take personally as a value judgement of myself.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have stood there watching my ex-friend, spiting her for her actions as a behavior within and as myself, hiding my own sense of having no worth and then becoming angry which was myself becoming a behavior of protection and defense and taking actions to make myself a “ more than” my friend.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have physically within felt tiny and small and insignificant, to “sink” down within myself as though my chest were falling down to my knees, as though i had nothing to stand on, like tears of something cascading down through my chest, like I was becoming smaller and smaller, in shame, in embarrassment, believing there was nothing I could do, there was nothing i could say, believing i had been shut out from something with no means of recourse or reunion, actually allowing myself to feel unequal, where this is all that I allowed myself to be, when in fact I was standing there and instead of taking this all personally, looking at what was happening, within movement, as my friend was choosing a new set of values to deal with society, thus it was the movement - even though limited in some ways- of my friend in her own self interest desire to survive as what is presently valued and taught, just as I in reaction was limited within judgement, where I was in fact being ignorant of the value being equality and oneness, respecting the gift of myself as life, where as life, nothing can be lost, and thus the only recourse was to move myself as life as what is best for all, is best for self and not judge myself as less than, simply realize what I am as thought, emotion and feeling made huge as a morality falling from the grace of standing within breath realizing there is nothing to lose but myself as the directive principle as what is best for all is best for self.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe I am a victim of society, where I cannot change the accepted and limited values and within this judge these values as more than and less than, instead of taking them back to myself and walking them in common sense as the directive and within this as a movement of myself within what is best for all.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a behavior of spite and blame of limited value actions, blaming the values, which in essence is what I was doing, and then becoming a reaction, which in this case was rejecting the girly made huge aspect, and instead becoming involved in a fund raising group which was making one set of values bigger than another, as reaction, to prove myself more than as I lacked the physical feminine maturation happening within my friend, thus I moved towards supporting another group in another way and within this judging myself as more than, and the social actions of my friend as being less than, a division and judgement that did not consider that I was one and the same as my friend, creating personifications as a means of survival without looking at the totality of existence within the principle of what is best for all, seeing realizing and understanding how I was operating within my mind, as thoughts, emotions and feelings, where I was , as mind mapping out how one moved oneself within society as the hierarchy presented, itself limited and ignorant of the totality of life, as substance, as I allowed myself to become the behavior of more than and less than in judgement, ping-ponging between polarities in and as belief, opinion and idea, instead of standing equal and one within and as myself as life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to reject one set of values as more than another, using a groups limited characteristics made huge to validate what I judged as more than and/or less than, just as my friend was doing, and in the process rejecting parts of myself and the world around me, where within that past moment, as being less physically mature than my friend, I created a personification that being feminine was less than being humanitarian, which skipped over what i was as a person, into and as defined groups only, ignoring myself as a human, as a form in detail, as an expression, as the substance of life, and within this looking to the limitations as singular values only, thereby separating my world into parts of win and lose, gain and loss, essentially building a soap box to bellow from, or as some might say, a platform to politicize my “betterness” , instead of myself moving in common sense as what is best for all, seeing realizing and understanding the nature of the system, being a hierarchy of survival that limited through judgement of one aspect of life being more than another to prove to my self judgement as less in comparison of values and proving through invalidating with counteractions that I believed would prove myself a more than, which in turn limited the expression of life, as I was caught up in this limited drama, in self interest, ignoring the gift of expression as life, as the physical, enjoying the simple being here, equal and one to all existent.

I commit myself to breathing, to slowing myself down, to - with every in breath- realize, see and understand, the eddies of angst, the curach of thought, the fear of loss, the hopefor gain, the habitual responses , amongst others, of separation into and as parts as a survival suit within a system of inequality, as profit- for self within, and the world without- that I exist as, that limited equality and oneness with and as this physical world, to see, realize and understand that to accept this gift as life, I must realize oneness and equality with and as life here.

I commit myself to remaining here, in and as breath, slowing myself down to see, realize and understand that any and all judgements are my separations, that, in common sense, to believe one value is more than another is to limit self, and to build a society based on a selection of values, and then to force this onto life, is in essence ignoring life, and within this, I abdicate my ability to perceive life, as I am so busy projecting limited values, I actually push against life, creating a scenario where what i resist persists, as I am ignoring parts of myself, as life, that are what supports myself as life, creating conflict and friction, instability and confusion, fear and anxiety, tension and stress, pain and suffering, which describes the state of earth at the present moment, as the human has separated themselves from being equal and one, to and as this physical world.

I commit myself to realize that this being of myself as judgement of more than and less than, is a program in and as the mind, a tool of weighing and measuring, made huge - so to speak- that if allowed to lead myself here, is myself walking in judgement and thus separation from realizing equality and oneness as life, where, in another life, my friend is me, and me my friend, which is what happened because my friend became a nurse practitioner - lol - and I believe she never had children, and I ended up having children thereby utilizing my feminine human physical body, so this just goes to show that the reactions, are not in and as themselves good or bad, that the drama and separation within judgement is unnecessary, and instead of rejecting one another and creating separation, and judgement, supporting one another as life, experiencing ourselves as an expression in and as life, what potentials would have been lived and realized within support as the value being life, instead of a life of reactions?

I commit myself to slowing myself down and breathing, to walk through my separations into and as beliefs, of more than and less than, to see, realize and understand what i have resisted, to bring this back to self, in equality and oneness, to equalize myself with and as life here.

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