a widows journey to life: Day 222Thought Dimension; Apprehension Character; the nail biter

Thought dimension; Apprehension character; the nail biter.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself exist within friction and conflict of life, in and as a character of apprehension.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a thought that I must apprehend the future, apprehend what is understood to be real which is energy, as thought , emotion and feelings.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that apprehension based on what is right and wrong within survival, as the maintenance of my own creation lacking awareness of sound substance as what is best for all in common sense, are all images of loss of attention within presentation such as a fear of standing alone without a friend, or not having someone see me, or conversely, having an authority figure come and direct me within attending to ideas of how attention within the system is achieved, thus in the beginning it is the fear of authority demanding focus onto the limited design, and then in school it is a fear of loss of this attention/attending to, to understand and perceive the mechanics of a system of inequality - that is a system of separation from what is equal and the value as the primary driver as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought that a peer may get more attention from friends that myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to perceive and understand a limited design of what i am as life, in order to receive attention from my peers, in order to not lose out in having attention, where the attention was as myself , in self interest, to participate within the friction and conflict as energy, a drug of excitement and entertainment, as an escape from standing up as myself in and as life, based on unnamed fears from a childhood of the bully of same apprehensive behavior taught by/modeled by parents.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought as apprehension of being blamed for/accused of in the face of questions by parents, where I can’t remember what I had done or not done, to the point where even if common sense was what might have been shared, I had accepted and allowed a pattern of fear as my response within as apprehension.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought, as image, of my peers attending to one another and leaving me out, where this is the mind, fearing loss as this being a directive, a division from common sense, instead of remaining within and as sound mind, in awareness of the structure of a systemic limited value web of separation into more than and less than self validations in separation from realizing that all that is here is of value, as life.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have had thoughts in middle school that I could show a friend that I was “better than”, in becoming a leader within an organization, instead of joining the girl group/click that supported the aggrandizement of the advertising world’s image and likeness of what it means to be feminine as a limited design of the female, where any girl who did not adhere/attend to this limited design was considered uncool, as in - the reverse being looc/look- as in not LOOKING the part of an accepted limited idea of what a female is and should adorn herself in and as, even down to what is the proper response of the female within being agreeable to the system, instead of speaking up in common sense of what is best for all, and following what in essence hides self direction, self honesty and self expression in and as life, where life is aware of the totality of existence and within this moves as self as life, here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have had the thought as apprehension, as myself rushing and pushing myself to succeed in high school, to enable myself to enter the system and survive, in and as accepting the limited means of expression, through following the proper behaviors and presentations of what sustains and maintains what is obviously a limited system as all life on this planet is not cared for equal and one as the substance of what is equal and one in all, and able to be developed, which is life, as this is the value.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I had to look the part, in for example wearing high heel shoes and appearing interested and busy, instead of actually looking at what was expected as not in essence caring for this world, as what was developed was in self interest in self survival, according to dictates that perpetuated profit andbelonging to select groups that were of like programming, where these limited values where believed to be more than another, when in essence they were self selected values composed to allow survival within a bubble, and not considerate of what was existent as lack for many on this earth.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought, in and as an emotion of apprehension, that I would not be able to care for myself unless I conformed to certain behaviors in order to survive, where this was considered “the way it was” which i accepted and allowed, never questioning what could be physicaly manifested by the hands of men, as all that was here was built by the hands of men, which required walking though ambiguities presented that ignored what could actually physically be formed as a system that was supportive of all life on this planet, realizing that the value was life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have abdicated myself responsibility into and as becoming self righteous and being of like action as mind, where I would blame and point out what was unacceptable as viewed consequence in which I lived, not standing back and realizing the totality of the system, that from the starting point had not considered the value being life, as the value was of a fear of loss of creation minus the equality of substance in all as what was here, as the expression of this being the value.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have the thought of myself holding my ground in stubborn righteousness, not seeing realizing and understanding that this image, as what i was, was in itself not directive, and even if I were “right” it would take a large group of people to stand and sound the value being life, instead of the resource that is here determining through money, what lives and what dies, and what exists within “more and less” self development instead of equal and one development to reach full potential as the form and function of men, where life is not lived on earth until all existent is functioning as life, self directing self as life, fearless as being life.

When and as I see myself wanting to bite my nails, I stop and I breath, and I realize that becoming an emotion of apprehension, is not a solution, is a movement of myself into separation, into fear, as friction and conflict, in and as believing myself to have a choice, to make a choice within what is here, a gamble as to what enables myself to survive, where i choose from limited means in ignorance of life as the value, where the only choice is the choice of what is best for all, which takes investigation into the total pattern of men, to see, realize and understand what is supportive of all life, here.

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to believe in the thoughts that lead into apprehension, to stop and to breath, to bring myself here, to direct myself within moving with what is here in this moment, to not accept the being of myself as energy in and as worry as thoughts of loss, rejection and instead stand in common sense of what is here that can be walked, which is, at the moment, understanding myself as what I have accepted and allowed as mind.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that the thoughts in and as my mind, based on my past, lack common sense of what is best for all, here, as they are the distortion of myself into values of more than and less than, instead of myself being myself as life, equal and one, in consideration of all existent.

Next: Imagination dimension within apprehension character.