Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Day 232 Internal conversation/ Back Chat : Despair Character
Internal Conversations /Back Chat Dimension/ despair character
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand the inner conversations in and as my mind, composed of beliefs, opinions and ideas, as what has been taught, passed down through the generations, as the past, conversations of more than and less than, polarities of thought, as energy in fear of loss, that intensify and create emotional/feeling bodies within and as my physical body, sucking the life from me, as I weigh and measure in search of a lesser evil instead of realizing that I am one and equal to all in existence and direct myself within what is best for all, and thereby align myself with life,to move one and equal with and as life, as the physical here is a means to cross reference what supports life, and thus inner conversations are a separation from awareness of the physical here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have an inner conversation that what is to be seen is more than what is heard.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have an inner conversation that if I question the conversation as what is seen within the adult world, I will be punished.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a belief as an inner conversation, as back chat, like a devil supporting the angel on my shoulder of what will protect me from being attacked by the secret separate world of the adult, as “I have to watch what I say” and/or “ Is there something I am supposed to be saying?” or “ Somehow I am not understanding what I am supposed to say, I must be dumb, or I must be lacking in something, or I just don’t get this” and then within this, “ what do I not get” or, and as well “ why do I have to be bothered with this” and /or “ how does one get through this mess” and or “ Don’t these people realize they are saying the same thing” and/ or “I don’t understand this!” and/or “ what does she want me to say?” and /or “If I am not to be heard, than how am I ever going to learn how to talk?” and / or “ what you are saying is that you want this conversation to end so you can go and “play” too!” and /or “ you just want to pity patter your tears” and / or “ I am not your wet rag” and / or a non-conversation as a sense of numbness/muteness/dumbness as a young child at the very idea of being seen and not heard is an idea never imagined and later made huge as an idea that such a thing/state/idea/thought could possibly exist, which would probably be the first reaction of a child, and as the idea spun around in and as my mind, creating emotional feeling bodies around an idea that something can be seen but not heard would be enough to create a fear and a separation from life, enough to create monsters lurking under beds. WTF
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that this numbness/muteness/dumbness would be a reaction as shock at such an idea, that something can be seen and unheard ( a division ), that along with all the other images fed via television, as a programmable human, the chasm as belief in not being heard is in itself a limitation as what i am as life, here, as it takes me into and as an idea of not being heard, instead of directing me here, as life, within and as life here, realizing the physical world as what is real and learning to converse equal and one to the physical, which is composed of the substance of life, equal and one to what i am.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand the state of shock such words as “to be seen and not heard’ as an idea might have as an effect on a child, as it is a directive away from life into and as a state of shock creating a behavior of “ the deer in headlights” as suddenly becoming mute/numb/dumb in encountering an idea of separation into being seen but not heard.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding a reaction in and as my mind of stunned silence, as becoming numb/dumb/mute in the face of words of separation and division into a less than and more than scenario, where what is expected also carries a subtle suggestion as a threat should the words not be accepted as fact.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding when and as I become this stunned silence in and as my mind.
I commit myself to, when and as I become a stunned silence in and as my mind, where no words appear, that I am lost within fathoming with and as the mind, and thus in separation from being here, one and equal with and as the physical.
When and as I find myself within this state of stunned silence in and as my mind, I stop and I breath, and I bring myself here, in and as breath, in common sense.
When and as I find myself within a stunned silence I stop and I breath, and I practice bringing myself here in common sense, as this “stunned silence” is a total dismay which is like a state of vertigo, a falling, a separation, a des-pair, will take time to move from back into and as common sense , as this has gone on for so long that in essence it will taketime to birth myself into and as life in common sense, piecing myself back together again, as I am humpty dumpty who has fallen into many pieces, and all these pieces have to be put back together again, and then this will have to learn to birth and direct as life here, and yet, there is no other journey.