Day 54
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel tired.
I forgive myself for allowing and allowing my self to want to sleep
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that my desire to sleep is resistance to facing the chains of belief - literally- from my past that seem overwhelming in and as me, as appearing to be ungraspable - as what I have become and accepted and allowed that are the composition of myself that have become a dream looping around in some infinite unanswerable resolution, a burden that do not want to die, or so I believe.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel overwhelmed with the back chat of my mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that there are some “feelings” that seem so real and are thus difficult to give up, yet in physical practical reality they are illusive and thus the dream of them are as they are, not real, so my addiction at this point is to wallow in the feeing as an escape from reality and thus sleep is an escape from them, and from my self facing them to the point where I forgive them and this habit of hiding within them in and as hope for them.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that facing this and my son and my financial situation and. and, and has caused me to spin around in many different desires and thus am I overwhelmed and unable to face and resolve all this and want to go to sleep.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to want some help when this is not possible as no one can walk through this for me, as it is my self who directs my self here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have back chat that says I can’t do this or I can;t do that, that I need this and I need that, where if I look at this practically I can step by step walk through what is here and take care of this myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist as though I am reading a book, as I read a lot of novels, would organize my world so that I had time to get lost in the stories of books, and what I am now with this desire to sleep more than I have been is somewhat life wanting to run and read the latest book I had found to escape from reality, something that can never satisfy and eventually has to stop, as the repetition becomes obvious.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have allowed back chat that is of doom and gloom to the point where I am so busy being “dommy and gloomy” that I don;t recognize the habit the moment it comes up.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to move from doom and gloom to “problem resolved” as a web I have caught myself up in, where I move as though I am resolving everything in my world and thus, created a pattern and a feeling that this will never end which means my mind is continuing to be bigger than myself as life here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that behind all this is a feeling of anxiousness and that this anxiousness is a fear of loss, and thus leads to a desire as a need of support, yet the only support is to realize self direction in and as every breath here.
I commit myself to remember that practice of walking in breath and forgiving the habitual story in and as my mind as emotions thoughts and feelings to bring myself here, and if I become tired and sleep more than usual suddenly it is myself telling me that I am not facing what I have accepted and allowed.
I commit myself to realizing that the back chat in my mind has been there for a very long time and will resonate as me until I am physically 100% able to be here as breath, and that this will not happen in an instant as this back chat is an accumulation of fear of loss within myself within a system accepted and allowed by myself that promotes fear as it is a reflection of separation from what is real this physical world and the principle of oneness in equality.
I commit my self to breath and the tasks I am walking to change my financial situation that takes slow steady steps everyday until it is done.
I commit myself to practical directive steps one at a time until I am stable and able to use what I have to direct change within this world.
I commit myself to realizing that it is only an illusion that what is practically here that needs be done can only be done one after another and looking into the future as desire or uncertainty is not what is physically here.
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