Sunday, September 30, 2012

Day 160 A Memory of Confusion

Day 160 A memory of confusion rises again.
I find I am always returning to a memory of myself as a child standing on confusion in front of my parents, it is both my father, or my mother and they are impatient and irritated with me, their voices are raised and they are telling me I am impossible, difficult, deliberately irritating them.
I can’t even remember what I had said, or how such a point came about. I am just standing there, looking up at them, because they are bigger than I am, are being completely confused, like I have no fucking idea what I said, or why I said what I said and why I am receiving such aggravated reactions and criticisms. And I am feeling overwhelmed, like there is so much in front of me I don;t even know where to begin.
Then I remember in second grade, my teacher wanted something and called my parents, and later there was a radio show for children starting and I was taken to some woman’s house in preparation, I refused, I did not want to do this. I remember really kicking and screaming to not participate in the children’s show. The woman had an old dog that smelled - as I later learned- like cancer and she did not open her windows. All I saw was the dog there at our feet. I never wanted to go back.
I become overwhelmed with speaking, get nervous and anxious, overwhelmed and terrified of what? It is not really clear, and I think this fear, is what is not really clear. And I think that this comes from this memory, where I am in confusion and voices are raised telling me I am impossible and irritating and difficult. So, I re-member myself with this confusion as to what I am in fact based on whatever it was I was trying to say, and what it is being told that I am with strong emotions backing the declaratives as to what it is that I supposedly am. All that is a “member” of what i am is the emotional voices of my parents.
Have I connected speaking with causing irritation, being confused/overwhelmed, being difficult/non compliant and impossible? Is this why I shake at the idea of speaking? Is this why I physically tighten within myself? Is this why I reject speaking, believing myself to be incapable of speaking ( especially when speaking is making sounds as words to describe and convey and thus something that is not scary as it is merely placing one word in front of another?).
Is my confusion, simply that, at the time, I did not have the language and understanding of what was here that I was unable to express myself? So, this resonant memory is a me more, as a character of being less than, meaning I am a more/moral/story/character of inability and or an idiot that does not understand and only causes confusion ( which I might have been doing but i don’t remember what I said- so I can’t base this emotional imprint on what was said, this imprint/label/judgement is not who I am as it was a moment in the past and will only determine who I am if I allow this to be what defines me) Within this i must stand and take this memory as myself and yet not allow it to be who I am here. This one moment within anemotional moment of no understanding is not who I am, as it is the past, and yet the emotional associations must stop directing me resonantly, the issues must be cleared, as in common sense this is not myself here, this is not what a person is, a human. This is actually a picture show of a human who is not being directed to clearly find solutions and learn to express themselves, this is a memory of judgement, self judgement and parental action with parents untrained as to how a child is programmed, as they were within the same scenario as myself as that child standing before them.
So many emotional storms and no real directive life. Name calling, judgement before solution and understanding of what is actually physically here. The confusion was that there was nothing being said. LOL There was nothing there, because there was nothing there!
So, I developed a relationship with that emotional storm moment of nothing as claimed it as a self definition. W T F!
So, it is ( and not “like”) I am judging myself based on a memory that really has absolutely no fucking value what so fucking ever! Actually, to put it another way, a memory based on a CRY!
In modern terminology a “boohoo moment” LMAO What else can one do?
I need a few minutes to laugh…. and cry.

Thought self forgiveness

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have a memory, as an image of myself as a child existing in confusion and within this believing myself to be difficult, impossible and irritating as the emotional reactions from my parents being what I believe is what i am.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that within this memory the state of myself as confusion, has no clarity as a memory of what this confusion consists of, as it is only a picture of emotion being directed at me, as an image with no meaning other than being an event, experience of parents telling me I am irrational, irritating, impossible and difficult, thus I cannot base what I am on such an image of no clear understanding as it carries a limited incomplete description of a past event.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that myself as confusion is myself in a state of no clarity, which means I have no understanding or idea of what the emotions that exist as this memory mean, and since this is an image of the past, it bears no definition of what is actually here in this moment.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that this memory has no real value or meaning, and thus is not a definition of what I am.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that a state of confusion is just this, a misunderstanding, meaning a state of not being clear, and thus not something as itself to be definitive as such a state of confusion is an unresolved situation where what is as the confusion is not being clarified.

Within this, I commit myself, to when and as I become confused, to see realize and understand that it is an indication of a lack of understanding and nothing else, thus it is not definitive and only needs clarification into understanding.
I commit myself to stopping and breathing when and as I relive this memory of confusion coupled with emotions of causing irritation, believing myself to be “impossible” and “difficult” simply because I am confused.
I commit myself to slowing down when and as I become confused, to see, realize and understand that the way out of confusion is slowing down, breathing, and using common sense to resolve what is causing confusion, as emotional reactions as becoming impatient because something is not being understood are not an action that will resolve what confusion is in fact, a state of misunderstanding and thus a lack of communication.
I commit myself to no longer defining confusion with being impossible, difficult and irritating.
I commit myself to seeing , realizing and understanding that a memory from the past is not what I am, as it is just a picture in and as my mind, stagnant and senseless, and thus cannot be significant with what is actually here in this moment unless I allow the imprint of this obviously limited picture to define myself here.
I commit myself to realizing the only message such an image reveals is that a state of confusion simply means a lack of understanding and communication as contextual details are missing and what the memory holds are emotional reactions of no real significance, thus is this memory of fear and not what is real.
I commit myself to realizing that standing in confusion was myself as a child having no understanding of developmental awareness of what I was as life, so my confusion, which probably was a sub-character as a starting point of wanting within a lack of understanding which would lead to confusion, thus this whole scenario as a memory of confusion and lack, taken in as a memory as a judgement of myself being incapable through lack and accepted as an idea of what I am, is simply a lack of development, a lack of understanding of what life is here, as this was not what is understood by parents within a system of inequality and energetic dis-play instead of equality with self as life existing within the very flow of life as being one and equal as the living word, here.
I commit myself to walking through confusion to discover myself as life, here.

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