A memory coming up of having a fever. I must have been in 4th or 5th grade. I was placed in an air-conditioned room to, I guess, keep me cool. My fever was so high there were people coming out of the air conditioner. Ugly, screaming people, clawing and attempting to get me, or so this was my perception. I woke up today with a sense of distortion as myself. Like one want/desire/need being some kind of a distortion, where a sense of myself had all manner of shapes, like I was one major distortion as the character of myself, this was like things coming out of the air conditioner. The mind is like a visual air conditioner, a condition of distortion. Anger and righteousness more reaction, a protest only, in a bubble, no solution- and we are trained to be this, we accept this. Fear and anger being distortion of reality, reactive within protection and defense, ignoring direction, blinded by having judgement from a photograph of limited detail/awareness as what a photo would be in separation from actual physical reality, it is how we anthropomorphize what is here, and create cartoon characters of exaggeration, bringing out selective characteristics, making some bigger than others and thus distorting reality. Our Rumpelstiltskins are the ones left behind, attempting to survive, to be remembered within society, and they are never going to go away, as they are aspects of our behavior as the distortion. Avoidance is ignorance, and what is ignored does not suddenly disappear, it cannot, it is nature ignored within the distortion made in anthropomorphism, in selecting limited qualities and trying to force them into singular expressions. Thus avoidance is resistance, and resistance persists, as the division is a whole, no happy face, as positive facade, can hide a value diminished as less than, ignored, judged.
In becoming behaviors in and as reactions, energetically, protection and defense of survival build walls of separation, it is like a self anthropomorphism, a distortion, a fantasy escape of justification from reality. Protection and defense as borders around limited qualities that ignore the physical gift of life, a composite of the whole energetic separation, layers of separation individualized and made huge, understood to be what is real, when it is not, it is like self in a fever, the fever being energy, burning and consuming the body, all the while the life within self simply wanting a state of ease, this “state” that is believed must be achieved through rape and pillage, when it is what self is, as self as life, the nature of self as life, right here, with the actual physical world as guide.
Meanwhile, I have fallen, these last days, in worries, in morality. I have lead myself, as a single mother, through stopping and telling myself that the answer is right here in front of me, and usually I have to calm down to see the answer, slow way down. This is always here, and must be modeled. The nature of life must be modeled, perhaps it is the only way, as this is the way to learn. Those violin teachers that directed and never judged, modeled, they would pick up their instruments and play, model, physically show. And the ones that did this were the ones that had mastered playing.
Slowing down and breathing is stopping the distortion.
In confusion, I am fused with the distortion and I can no longer see what is actually physically here, as I am looking for answers within the distortion; a distortion difficult to name as it morphes what is real, and perpetually changes, like a mirage on the horizon in hot weather.
we, the human are like walking anthropomorphized ideas, beliefs and opinions, totally separate from reality, from the physical, naturally there can be no answers here. This is limited, and separate from reality, the actual physical.
That child is a child and not a sex object.
As a child I was being taught distortion, and not equality and oneness with what was physically real, here, given freely to express life.
I was looking for answers and means to support myself within the distortion, as the behaviors as words surrounding me were one and the same as myself as my behavior of confusion, words supporting the distortion that were what was taught to my parents and their parents, this the continuation of the fever as mind as energy in separation from this physical, actual world of support.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to win something, as in having an understanding with my parents as a child, ignoring the actual physical world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that my confusion was just as I called it, named it, telling me what i was, as what I was accepting and allowing, attempting to be and become the very distortion, meaning separation from common sense of this actual physical world, where this sense of the physical world, as common sense I had come to believe was something dirty, as this was another reprimand given with the choice of friends, and involvements made and then judged and denigrated by the mind of distortion as I learned to accept the characters as values that fit into the persona of my family, as what held a believed point of survival within a system of separation into more than and less than, that divides and conquers what is freely given by this earth to support life, manifest as a hierarchy of a few having more than what is needed to support themselves as life, ignoring the suffering of other life forms as on this earth, not realizing that no one will become life on this one organism called earth until all are equally supported as life, as who would want parts of an organism that have not considered the whole?
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand my own distortion of reality, as a survival suit of characters and personas that is a mirage placed on the horizon of this earth, consuming my human physical body, as this distortion is a virus of destruction of what is not one and equal to life, and thus is an act of life protecting itself, removing what is not supportive of the whole, removing what is not one and equal to life as life, and thus what is not aware as life, will not exist as it is in separation from life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to “suck in” myself like a constriction, like a vacuum inward into and as fear, separating myself from here, from this actual physical world, like I am becoming a build of protection and defense as justification to protect what? It really seems that there is nothing there within this action, as it is not directive but myself getting ready to “push back” in defense, based on an idea that is what i have been taught that bears no witness to what is actually real here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand how much I do this all the time, as this is all that I have been, this has become habit and the only way to stop this is to breath and forgive myself in common sense of what is physically actually here, where breath is a kind of reading of what is actually physically here as reality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a behavior of protection and defense, bracing myself to protect myself whether passively or actively, two sides of the same coin, where I take on a distorted facade as what has been taught, where if my presentation is not accepted I become confusion and look for answers in the shields taught and within this searching, look for a holy grail to shield myself, and end up in an empty, blank place of no common sense and lose my ground, so removed from what is physically real that I become a blank, and feel confused, the confusion, being blank and feeling like there is no place to go because I am going no where, as I am ignoring the actual physical world and am not breathing and being in common sense of this physical world, the very support and substance of life here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that even one thought that this cannot be done, is an illusion, is the mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the behavior as what I am being and allowing as having, be a voice as the habit of what I have accepted and allowed as this searching for answers within and as the shields of protection and defense as what I am supposed to do as what was taught, looking to and towards this and believing that common sense is impossible, difficult, irritating, as this does not maintain the mirage as the distortion and the fantasy as mind as the separation from life in common sense of this physical world.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that knowledge and information is just this, and as this cannot have any sense of this actual physical world, where knowledge and information is no sounding, physical substantive sounding, sensing of what is actually here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to ignore the layers of facade as energy masking acceptance of the physical, as energetic highs hiding a low, as the low is resistance of the whole, is ignorance of what is actually physically here, as limited values are what is accepted.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there will be no life until all humans realize common sense, until all that is of this earth is cared for as life, as this is the value, and that the mind of separation will be reactive and protest, ignore and blame, avoid and deny as it clings to a happy face, as supposed positive energy even until the last ounce of energy is burned off with no more support as this is the nature of clinging to an idolized value as being more than something else, a delusion ignoring what is actually here in totality.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that there is no real pretty “happy face way” to face reality here, where I realize that my fear, as what I am within standing within and as confusion, is wanting to find some polite/happy/easy/ pleasant way to reveal that reality is not what is being respected and treated as life, the forgiving of self in gratefulness and thanks for the value that is here which is life, that which must be what is realized for all that exists on this earth, a life of dignity, where there is absolutely no excuse, non what so ever that any form of neglect and abuse of any single one thing on this planet is justifiable, as that is insanity in self interested gain with out equal consideration of all life. Period.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my confusion is simply an escape from reality, a “not wanting to look”, a wanting to be “nice “ about what has been accepted and allowed as ignorance of what is in fact real, which is this physical world.
I commit myself to speaking up about how the “positive - supposed “happy face” is the crime of ignorance against life,
I commit myself to asking the question as to what a happy face will do for the children who suffer from lack of food, lack of education, lack, as a with-holding of freely given resources on earth, of shelter just so some can cover the rot of their bodies under make-up and opulence unnecessary and unexpressive of any kind of equal communication with all the life that is of this earth.
I commit myself to realize that the ONLY thing a truth will hurt is a self interested ego, as this is what ego is in fact, set of limited values clung to in a limited belief that one thing is more than another, when this is the illusion, an illusion that cannot even communicate with all that is here that is life, having no understanding of life, as, if such an understanding of life exist, then no abuse in any form would be what is here on earth, that this indicates the presence of separation and lack of self awareness as life, in oneness and equality with life as the very substance of what all that is here consists of and exists as. Period.
I commit myself to no longer fearing the avoidance tactics of ego, the resistance of what persists and compounds as abuse, as what is ignored on this earth, blatant abusive ignorance, hiding behind -, avoiding what is negative as though this is going to make this world a better place, which is total irresponsibility and ignorance, contained within all self pitying statements as “I do the best I can”.
I commit myself to realizing that when I become confused and blank within seeking a response, where I physically feel like I am condensing in some way, I am in fact looking for some pretty way of speaking up, as facing telling the truth is what I fear, looking at what is actually physically here, as I might be called more of the same as what an ego would answer, the very same words I heard as a child, that i am impossible, difficult and irritating, because in the end, being in common sense of life here, is extremely irritating to the limited self interests of the idols as values distorted and made more than other values, when what is not one and equal as what is realized is that the value is life.
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