a widows journey to life: Day 191 De-serving life

I feel like I am trying to stand back and see what I am as every single movement that I dress myself as. In a way I think I have been trying to do this since the death of my husband, when everyone around me was telling me what i should do, and/or why what happened happened, where none of it fit the “crime” so to speak. None of it explained anything. Nothing.
So within this unworthy character, I am trying to walk what I do as I interact with others.
Why do I fold my arms over my chest and take on a mask of “ no emotion” which belies emotion?
Where everything tightens, the back, the face; the back a resistance to giving of self, the face embarrassment for hiding.
All of this reliving experience as knowledge and information instead of looking at what is actually here as the very fabric of this physical existence. In a way, our whole physical selves are like the bats, we can sense this totality as existence, we have simply not been taught to utilize this. So I must breath and look and give in and as myself as life, and not the storm ofthoughts, ideas and opinions , in and as my mind. My physical constrictions represent my mind limitations as thoughts, which are judgements, which are protection and defense in fear of loss, which is an admission of myself not using common sense as what I am as life, one and equal to what is here. Like the sound of the word, a “ sphere,” a bubble separate and thus in lack of, common sense of what is physically actually real here. I am the wave and the particle, yet I am de-serving the wave through a belief in deserving and thus denying what I am. Within this i create a happy face on my actions to justify my de-serving as ‘ ignorance of life.’
So, if I have the thought that something is impossible I am my mind, as my mind will only see the limited constraints of a system that is a constraint - human created- that is the play outof a fear/ sphere of loss of common sense, this fear of loss a separation from life, and this capitalistic system is a separation from life, so evident in that it is not supporting life, it has become but a game of protection and defense for resources, a cry of a belief in deserving more and less ideologies, a form of shuffling resources around in conquest instead of in SHARING and GIVING and valuing life. This mono-culture of mono-poling need not exist and it is ridiculous- it is a ridicule of life- thus it is the opposite of life, in opposition of lfie.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hide myself through folding my arms across my chest and wearing a mask of no emotion when and as I face another.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in allowing myself to be and become this I am in effect creating what I reap, I am withholdingcommunication and thus creating lack of communication with and as what is actually physically here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear being myself here, in and as fearing that something will be lost, like honor, or personification in and as beliefs as ideas and opinions about what I am, based on my past, as my perception of myself within the limited values of a system of inequality, instead of being here and looking at what is actually here that values life, here.

http://desteni.org

I commit myself to breathing, to seeing realizing and understanding that which I fear as realizing the very actions I exist as and in as my human physical body, to see, realize and understand how and with what, as thoughts , emotions and feelings, supporting ideas, opinions and beliefs, as back chat and imaginations in and as my mind, as memories, all of which is a knowledge and information based on judgements taught by those who came before me as this is what they were through generations of such to the extent that an outward manifestation of the present system is one and the same in form and structure, to within all this begin to see realize and understand this quantum mind structure of separation, to realign my own accepted and allowed protection and defense/judgement outflows that inhibit myself as life here.
I commit myself to realizing that I must breath and realize how my self within fear, as judgements, is what separates me from myself as life, where I in essence fear being myself as life here.
I commit myself to breathing and to no longer allow myself to respond as the fear of being unworthy, realizing that this is myself in fear of speaking in common sense, where I see no place to go within the knowledge and information as the mind and thus shut down, which is not a solution, as I must breath, and sense what I have accepted and allowed as the behaviors I exhibit, and forgive these to see realize and understand the common sense of life as oneness and equality as this is what is real and what is the substance of what is here.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that this inner voice of ‘this post not being clear enough” is myself in self judgement, where I see, realize and understand that I want a quick fix as solution, without having walked the detail of my quantum mind as the thoughts, imaginations, back chat, reactions, physical reactions and memories as the collection of limited values as the informing mechanism that I have accepted and allowed as a definition of what i am in separation from life, here.