a widows journey to life: Day 194 Pointing out what would hide myself

What I resist is what i hold onto, one and the same, like I cling to what I fear, as it cannot leave me because I am accepting and allowing it. It is what i am, as a “tone” within. I walk around spending all my time hiding this, pointing out what would this hide. It really is like stewing in my own shit - so to speak. And the effort in maintaining this is consuming all focus and substance of self. Every ounce of the “fiber” of me is constricting to maintain this, and it has gone on for so long I know nothing else. Thus it is daunting to change this, and it is like a monster that does not want to be tamed, when in fact all it is - in this reference i am making- is a habit- like afire on a wick that just does not want to go out and I ignited this!. I am so busy being the avoidance tactic that I no longer remember what I am avoiding!
Imagine trying to talk to an avoidance tactic, as a behavior, that does not even know this as what it is anymore, as it has done this for so long, and was never shown anything else, it cannot see itself as what it is!
This is in fact what being the mind is.
This is why breath is so important, to stabilize and give- through slowing down into and as breath, a reference point - as what the physical allows- as to what is the tone/song/broadcast/ energetic signature/ pattern of our behavior as personalities as humans, to see, realize and understand and forgive this energetic storm of thoughts,emotions and feelings.
By drawing attention away, one can attend to what is wanting to be hidden, because the hidden is always there because it is us as what we accept and allow. And, on a larger scale, as this planet, what is in fact the abuse existent, is what is ignored, yet cannot be ignored.
Within myself, I create my own anxiety in trying to ignore common sense and fit into what is limited as what is accepted as a right and wrong where the measuring point of right and wrong is selective of what can be controlled within an idea of gain within a system of inequality, and this supposed “gain:” is myself hiding facing myself as life- like a “gain” act as a “gain” in hiding is the facade.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand my own avoidance tactics of drawing attention to what hides my own fear of self, of self expression of life here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to follow what upholds a system of definition into and as a woman, where I turn a fear of being myself into self blame as a feel good justification as a morality of limited ideas that is myself hiding from facing myself as being responsible here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that I am a response as an idea of what I should be in separation from actually looking at what is here as life in common sense of support of life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that any running and hiding within an obsession, be it sex or power or fame of social acceptance is myself not listening to myself as life in common sense of what is actually here, where I have done this for so long I must relearn to walk, relearn to direct myself as what is best for myself, as what is best for myself is what is best for all.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I must first learn to bring myself back to myself as life, by removing the separation into and as character in accord with the present morality on earth - of which not all is “bad’- and look at the separations as energy as this being the indicator of separation- and then take this and direct this as what is best for all, here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that until I stop all behaviors of fear of loss and desire for gain, I am not in fact here, one and equal to and as life.
I commit myself to breath, to breathing , to stabilize myself here, to see, realize and understand where and when I become a character in obeisance to a morality of structures that serve an abdication in and as myself in doing what is best for all, as this is what is best for myself.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that many of the things I state are learned means to serve characters that support what maintains a system of fitting into a hierarchy of taking care of one part only without being aware of all of myself as what i am, which is also being aware of all that is here, as one allows the expression of the other, and thus making judgements as comparisons is a separation from myself here becoming and being responsible in common sense of all life.