Day 288 Fear of Speaking Reaction Dimension

Speak, Taste, Eat, Breathe, Etc. (Photo credit: redteam)

Fear of Speaking Reaction Dimension
I realize that sometimes when I don’t get an expected response, I immediately have some back chat of childhood names , and memories of reactive behaviors from the past when I went to say something. I fear these names and reactions being what I am here, instead of looking at what is being said as my words, in common sense. I become the fear ofjudgement from my past, which means i am not here, present in common sense of what is physically here existing within the principle of what is best for all. I allow amind/alternate reality to become my expression, this being of no substance as it is not calm, at ease and constant, in self honesty as life. Within “being of no substance” I become uncertain, and if I really look at this, it is like being in a state of vertigo, and I lose common sense of here, a directive capacity, here. I start trying to catch myself, justify, hide, becoming one big storm of emotion and feeling, my responses that of seeking validation for my own separation. I am not at ease, and even within my words, there is fear, edgy spite leading to blame, as justification, because I know I am not here, I am no longer at ease. And much of this behavior, has become a norm.


I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become a memory from my past, triggered by the words of another, as a reaction to what I speak, where I separate from here, from common sense of what is here, in this moment, within and as what is best for all as what is here, where within this separation what I interact as is energy, focused on ideas, opinions and beliefs, limited and judgmental, based on accepted and allowed past experiences wherein the full story of what is here is not realized, an existence in self interest alone as personification, creating a belief that i am alone, when I am here, as life, on earth, as all one, as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that nick names given by family members, such names themselves of limited awareness, lacking a sound mind of as self being directive within and as self honesty with what includes actual practical physical reality, equal and one, an inclusion of what is here as what supports life, this very real world that which is imposed with systems that separate this physical reality in promotion of religions and systemic structures given a life of their own as though they were what always existed yet in reality have been built by men, as these systems are here with the advent of men, such as the present economic system, which is given the status of being self directive when in fact it is not, as it is simply a structure where it is men that built it, accepted it, allowed it and use it to move what is here around the globe, this illusion as this addition of it having a life of its own, that is so obviously illusionary, but this is the means with which control of what is here as this actual real physical world is maintained through the development of warping and distorting reality, into and as a system of inequality, where the illusion given is the illusion created, that some are more than others, went all flesh is of the same substance, thus this system of an “unseen” force as a “god” is telling us that what is really happening is that some believe themselves to be more than others, and this is what is taught, an illusion of a more than and a less than, all a separation from what is the real more than, which is the value being life, simply being here in and as the very substance of and as life, given equally to all as the physical world, to enable all to exist as life, to experience life, as this is the value.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not listen to what is here, to allow ideas, opinions and beliefs of more than and less than to direct myself here, not realizing that all of this is an energetic emotional moving to feeling storm in a bubble that separates myself from life, thus making this cell of life that I am on an organism as earth, a prison cell of my own creation.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand when and as i become fear, to walk through my own self commitment statements, to bring myself back to here, to become the walking of myself equal and one to the focus of myself here, aligned to speak in common sense of what is here, without separation into and as fear, as this is the illusion, the separation, as the gift is the physical world, as the substance of life by nature is forgiving as life, considerate of all life, in all common sense.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that in each and every moment here, the only choice is to slow down, breath, and to stop thevoices as the blueprint in and as my mind of the past, the resonance of incomplete stories that reveal their own incompleteness in and as that they are of complaint and not of direction in ease, thus the very tenor of self as life, is visible in and as the very nature of the words and the substance of the sound as the voice of each and every one, as the voice of direction is solid, sound and directive without threat, where an in-substantive threat gives no real direction, as life would always direct allowing what is here to be self directive, absolutely.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understand that I am here, as life, and thus I can breath and slow myself down, move as the the words of equality and oneness as what is best for all, where I bring myself here, and move in practical evaluation of what is here within and as what is best for all.
When and as I begin to feel emotional and feeling reactions within and as myself, where the vertigo of the past begins to rain down from the mind, this map of what I have accepted and allowed in and as judgements within a system of inequality, and the pressure of past compounded emotions and feelings build up within my back, I stop and I breath, and I realize this is movement within and as my human physical body of separation into and as energy, as fear of loss, an idea only, that then moves into and as a tension physically through my human physical body where I become a supposed “positive” justification that is really a more intense energy, seemingly “lighter” yet actually heavier, as my limbs begin to feel heavier, more inflexible, and if I really look at this it is actually painful, as it is an energetic consumption of my human flesh as myself in separation from being equal and one to and as myself as the “sound” of myself as life, thus is fear/survival behaviors/loss myself mis-playing myself as life, here, and thus am I no longer equal and one to and as life, and am abusing myself as my human physical body with my own accepted and allowed separations.
I commit myself to seeing realizing and understanding that this movement into feeling, this which seems “good” as this is pride and a feeling of gain, is a false self directive, as it is a thin belief in gain that is simply a self justification within limited ideologies, which is what i have been taught within a system of separation from life, from equality, the labels as this supposed “higher” positive being of myself, that follow the labels of character within and as the present system, as I pretend the roles I was taught, and walk in and as mind, as accepted and allowed behaviors, where I allow the measure of myself in relationship to limited beliefs, this manifesting within hope of survival as pride, as I am my own judge and juror relating to personification and care-actor relationships towards survival within a system of division into hierarchy, the very structure of which images more than and less than, a crystal shape reaching into the earth, the earth the support up this eye sore on its horizon that gives without a signature of ownership, as the value is being here, equal and one in and as life.