Day 80 My legs and “hurt.”
My life has been filled with sudden change and there is a point where this happened the first time. I was a small child. I had to be between 4 and 5 years old.
What I remember is walking towards my father, who was talking with my younger sister. We were outside on this patio. Next to my father and sister was a tricycle. I walked up and suddenly I was pushed or I feel, but i remember being pushed, hard, back. My father was irritated that he was disturbed. I fell onto the tricycle. On my right toe is a big moon that looks like the tip of the front fender of a tricycle. It cut into my toe. I stormed off in humiliation, in anger, in righteousness going to seek my mother. I can’t remember finding my mother.
I was hurt.
This feeling of hurt, I have carried with me all my life. As though I expect a sudden change and hurt from what is here in life. A sudden change will always come, relationships never remain, the change comes. I wait for it. Relationships are never constant. Thus romance is somehow a scam, I am always apprehensive.
Yes, I was going to my father for attention, to show him something.
My father was moving his attentions onto my sister, that which had been allowed to me was switching to another, and I had no idea how the mind really worked. I was a child.
After this, I don’t think I was ever close to my father again, I did not trust him, the change was too extreme. All through my childhood if I had to sit next to him the friction was extreme. I could not stand being next to him, That pretty much sums it up. I always had to know where he was in the house. It was like he was the demon, as though I was living with a father that at any moment would come and pour his terror all over me.
Later in my early teens, he wanted me to perform for his “crowd” and I refused. I would not be there to make him look good, I was not there to adorn him. Besides it was never good enough and the judgements would come. It was like walking into a trap of criticism.
It was like I had two characters within. One was afraid of not being good enough and the other was angry, an anger of rage. I did not understand this anger of rage.
Interesting, here a memory of a tree in the yard comes up. I was running and suddenly I stopped in front of this birch tree. I just have an image of staring at this tree, like everything stopped and it was just the tree and I. I have this with trees all my life, just stopping and looking at a tree. There is silence in stopping and looking at a tree.
What is a tree. I tree does not move, it stays in one place, and yet a tree does move, on the inside a tree is flowing, moving with what is here, flowing. Even in the way trees each have a signature, a “twist” within the way they “grow up/reach up” which can be seen in the way the bark appears to flow in different rhythms within a spiral movement.
Interesting this juxtaposition of sudden change and the stability yet movement of a tree, here as what i am in this moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to exist as expecting sudden change.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to place a negative value in and as a polarity around an event/ movement of sudden change.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have walked much of my life expecting sudden change.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I lived in fear of the irrational emotional storm of my father appearing at any moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have lived my life expecting sudden change accompanied with hurt.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to expect hurt.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take the actions of men as hurt.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see, realize and understand that “hurt” is my own expectations, wants needs and desires not accepting and allowing what is here as life, where I am existing as the mind within idea, want and need, character expectation that is separate from what is actually physically here as this earth.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that my own emotion as “hurt” is my self, as in my and self, in separation of myself as life, equal and one to what is physically here as this is life, where the supposed “hurt” is the expectation of experience as the focus of myself and thus, the separation of myself from here, where I am not seeing, realizing and understanding this physical world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that a sudden change can really exist within this physical world, in that what remains is life, and thus no change, as hurt, can really exist, what “hurt” is perceived is of the mind in judgement based on energetic values separate from the physical.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that through all the perceived “hurts” life remains here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have walked my life as the character of expecting hurt, where I enter relationships that end in sudden change, which is what I am experiencing in the “now” of myself in and as “hurt” within my human physical body legs.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to take this personally and turn this into some scream of self pity in separation of life here.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that my perception in and as “hurt” is taking what is the action as idea, belief, opinion, desire, want and need, thought, emotion and feelings, all as energetic projections, what I have existed and walked as, the separation of myself from into and as an experience - as a storm in a teacup tantrum- what I have allowed myself to walk as, that is myself separate from here, not seeing, realizing and understanding the existence of separation from this physical world as the mind consciousness system of an alternate reality imposed on what is real, this physical world, the stepping away from myself as a tree of life as what is constant and flowing with and as life.
I commit myself to realizing when and as I become this self pity feeling of hurt as the character of myself as what I have accepted and allowed in judgement instead of, like a tree, flowing with what is here as life, using my common sense to see, realize and understand the separations of myself into and as a tantrum of belief, opinion and idea based on values of right and wrong, that which i allow to become fixed instead of realizing life here.
I commit myself to seeing, realizing and understanding that “hurt” exists within separation from what is physically here, where in some parts of this world, what is physically here to sustain life is taken from what is physically here, and used to support only a few, who exist in an energetic fear of loss should they lose their singular ideas of what they are.
I commit myself to no longer allowing and accepting myself to blame and spite myself through believing I have been hurt, not seeing, realizing and understanding that “hurt” is my self not looking at what is real, this physical world, which means that all “hurt” is self imposed in ignorance, as the physical is what is constant and unconditionally giving.
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