Day 82 Being annoyed at my son for smoking pot mother character
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have an inner tantrum where the voice in my head is criticizing my son for smoking pot.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be annoyed with my son for spending time and money on smoking pot.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to turn this into this emotion of being generally annoyed at my son because he for smoking pot.
I forgive myself for then, seeing everything he does as being annoying.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to slowly build this big energetic presence of annoyance towards my son which will end up in a big “blow out.”
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that all I can do is continue to reveal the effects of pot and slowly get this into his “head” that smoking pot is not in any way solving that which is causing him to want to escape from the world into a zombie state of inaction, and that the solution is to face what he considers a “problem” in and as himself, become responsible and direct himself.
Within myself, I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel as though I am failure because I have not managed to stop my son from smoking pot, as pot is ubiquitous within my society, to the point where mothers and fathers I know smoke pot.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have felt like a prude because I do not smoke pot.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see realize and understand that my son is now 19 years old, and must begin to realize his own actions as “his” actions.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to worry about what will become of my son if he keeps smoking pot.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that what I can do, is speak up, and model the walking of myself into and as oneness in equality with what is real, the physical, where he will either take the words I speak, like a seed planted to be used, or he will choose to take the road of consequence, regardless, he will eventually realize himself as life, the play-out is in his hands.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be reactive about my son’s pot smoking, taking this personally as though I am not clear enough, or aggressive enough, when I have tried many tactics, and that perhaps the cumulation of all of this will eventually have an effect, as we are organic robots, and what is placed within us is what we become, unless we stand and become our own directive principle of oneness in equality, which is myself directing myself in and as life, and not as the values so obviously presented and limited within out society through media and family, values of more than and less than, where the color of someone’s skin determines their value, when they are obviously one and the same, especially in a world where it is known that education determines a person’s ability to be successful in this world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be embarrassed that my son is smoking pot, and to claim I do not know where this comes from, as I never enjoyed pot and thus was never inclined to us this, yet in high school it was everywhere, and at the time, I tried to hide the fact that I did not enjoy pot, as it made me unable to socialize because all I wanted to do was stare at the stars, or at a crumb on the sidewalk where the after experience of any kind of revelation remained unknown and I had no idea what was going on socially , so smoking pot made me unable to participate socially, which is actually what is happening with my son as he is avoiding facing himself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to spend time wondering why I did not end up smoking pot, and why my son is smoking pot.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be annoyed that my son, who has had an education and done well on tests, has had so much education and opportunity, and yet he is smoking pot and - yes- masterbating, which is actually considered the norm these days, thus all I can do is speak up, again and again, and use how children are programmed, through speaking directives that he will either chose to realize or not.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that there are times when he has come to me to complain and I just look at him, and he suddenly realizes that he is being an emotion and feeling of infinite design.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to pull back in silence , when he becomes short tempered and exhibits anger, which I must learn to face without emotional reactions of frustration in and as myself, as all there is is the principle of oneness in equality, as he is me and I am him.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to breath, and see the reactions of anger and rejection, as storms in teacups, as tantrums, where blame and spite will not resolve the separations into and as singular beingness as emotion and feelings based on fear and uncertainty, as my son has admitted that he is very afraid of this world, which is, being common sense because this world is a world of inequality, where life is not the value considered, as what is the actions of men is that of survival, as money determines who lives and who dies, and is used by the few to grab all resources for their own self interested benefit, as they as my son -who is a product of this abusive system- are one and the same, lost in a mind of separation into parts having become walking picture screens of memories, following values as emotions and feelings and thoughts that are inconsiderate of their own oneness and equality in and as life, as what is here, as what is constant and the source of what is is that they are in fact, that which has been used to create an alternate reality in and as mind as this was believed to be an existence of more than.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, that worry, annoyance and frustration with my son is not the solution, and that perhaps he is simply showing me my own resistances as what I am accepting and allowing.
I commit myself to no longer seeing resistance as a mountain to walk over.
I commit myself to not allowing and accepting myself to make a mountain out of a tantrum, and to breath and to, within breath, see the problem as simple, and to take responsibility and direct myself within this as the principle of what is best for all.
I commit myself to letting go of tantrums and to realize that if I allow my emotions and feelings to become big, I am actually making a mountain out of something small.
I commit myself to using breath, to bring myself back to myself as life, and to slow down until I can realize what the emotion, feeling and thought, as a character, based on a belief of more than and or potential loss of this supposed more than, as a memory/experience based on my past as what I have been taught to survive within a system that does not support life, and I realize this separation into and as energy and I stop and I direct myself within what is best for all.
I commit myself to stepping out of myself as the mother character of worrying about the future of her son.
I realize that being worry about the future of my son, as his mother, is non-directive within the principle of what is best for all, and that my son will face difficulties as the present system on earth does not support life, but uses what is here to support a system of inequality, a system of survival, where nothing is truly allowed to be developed and all the resource of this earth is to serve the self interest of a few, where the few with the control are also not developing themselves as life, as they spend all their time pulling the levers behind the curtain of separation between the haves and the have nots.
I commit myself to realizing that how this system currently exists will only cause emotions of frustration if I accept and allow this, as what is here is a system that must be walked through and cleaned up to support all life, where this begins with myself becoming myself as life, in and as the directive principle of oneness in equality, where all that is here is realized to be one and equal to myself, where all emotional separation- as this is what emotion is - can be directed “back” to itself as life and not become a consequence as the illusion existing as a separation from life as an energetic smoke screen of emotions and feelings that are cultivated by a profit based system of greed to maintain ignorance of self as life from being here, all of which has been created by each and every one of us, and accepted and allowed by each and every one of us.
Artwork by Andrew Gable
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