Day 87 War King/Working/We R King
I was reading today and I had a reaction to the word working. Much like a romantic relationship, my working relationship, as in my character, or my cast of characters, I become nasty. I attack and threaten, and blame and spite and judge and fear, and retaliate. I have schadenfreude, I seek justice, I reminisce over believed injustices. I am a hissing, spiting, blaming, snaky snake. You name it, it goes through my mind. I become the king of war, I am a war king in and as my mind. The face I present is of congeniality, of kindness, of wanting to be good, and wanting my good noticed. But in fact, in and as my mind I believe myself to be at war. I want to survive, and I fear not surviving, I fear being considered less than, I fear saying one word that will create loss of face, loss of position, loss of status, loss of respect. I am in constant battle, strategizing for the security of my position on the front.
It is a cry of righteousness.
I was talking with someone about sales. And they responded to me emotionally, as though I did not understand. I just stopped and listened. Even within my fear of being judged as incapable, I decided to listen, even through their emotions. Perhaps they had a point. At this moment, I realized that even their emotion within their explanation did not matter, and neither did mine. What mattered was listening. Just let it all go and listen. Somehow the battle did not matter, it was the soil under my feet, that which was real, and the storm of emotion trampling the ground did not need stimulus.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that my approach to working is similar, if not the same, in and as mind, as my self within a relationship with another person.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I can get so lost in judging and blaming and spiting, in and as the desire to survive that I can no longer see the forest through the trees.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be the character at war with this world, where I allow myself to spite and to blame, to justify and to want justice, to denigrate and call names, to not listen as I desire to press my perspective/point of view.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that my righteousness is myself in battle, where I am angry, frustrated and trying to counteract a fear of potential loss, or my position of a desire for gain.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be a character of combat, a soldier fighting for my life within a system of inequality, where if I do not maintain my position, right here where I am, I might lose what I have gained, and thus I perceive myself as stable because I am here and in one piece.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see realize and understand that what I fear is the loss of myself, and that if I lose my job, I will not survive.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to imagine ill will towards another, as to realize that most of the time, I am not spiting another, and it is only when I feel stressed and uncertain that I become this way.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that when working I fear I will make a mistake and end up losing my position, thus any emotion as a belief in a threat is an attack on where I am positioned and within this I am not looking here in common sense, but am lost in a mountain of fear, where there is only breath to walk me through so that I may continue to see the forest through the trees.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that my fear of attack is not different than that of the attacker, as they are me and I am them, as we are all war kings within a system of inequality, that is the present profit based system on this earth.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that I fear being hurt, that I fear that what I believe myself to be, as what I am will be rejected and thus will i hurt, as though myself not being accepted will become meaningless, just as if I were to lose a leg, or an arm, or my breast, or my nose, when all the while, it is the war within survival, a game of elimination, as the illumination of myself as ego and not myself as life here, the very substance that is what it is that I am, unable to be as ideas, and beliefs of what it is that I am, as an idea as what will enable me to survive within a system of profit is all that will be lost, where were I to just stop and listen, I would see realize and understand that it is this system of profit that has built my self into and as a SURE MAN tank competing and fighting, shooting blame and spite in order to survive within a system of inequality where only one can be king on the hill of a pyramid based system, a hierarchy, imposed on soil that gives unconditionally, where in fact a war king can be the nature under the pyramid as what earth is as WE R KING as life when we , as all of earth is supported and cared for unconditionally as all as one as equal, where this war king is working for the death of itself as life as what it is is not worth living as the action of war is in separation from life here and the hurt is the longing for self as life to be and become self as life, one and equal where we r king as we are life, as all a one as equal.
I commit myself to stopping this war king in and as my mind, and to stand in and as breath, one and equal to breath, until my fear of loss is able to be faced and forgiven, and myself able to see, realize and understand that in a profit based system, keeping the majority in fear is a tactic of control, as a profit based system is a war, creating a survival based system as our present existence.
I commit myself to no longer allowing this character wanting to survive, where my own survival is tantamount.
I commit myself to realizing that my spite, blame and justification of myself is myself within a fear of loss.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to use my common sense, to realize that the present war king environment does not support the collective existence of earth, where we R King, as united within the principle of oneness in equality, we, as collectively are the king when we realize our equality with all life.
I commit myself to realizing that all thoughts, emotions and feelings are the illness of myself as the separation of myself into and as a war king in separation from the unconditional image and likeness of oneness and equality as what is real as earth where in oneness and equality as the principle of what is best for all, as in loving my neighbor as myself is what rains on earth is a life where we - as all that is here- R king as the core-of-us as life, here.
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