When was the first time I felt I had failed? I some up with a memory of running from the barn into the house, my hands filled with baby mice. Small and pink. I show them to my mother. She screams, the baby mice go down the toilet. I remember the shock. I remember the an expression on my face, complete abrupt confusion. An immediate abrupt change from joy to horror. I had caused a reaction of disgust and managed to have some baby mice to be flushed down a toilet. I remember the sides of my mouth turning into a frown, myself feeling dismayed, my eyes blinking, like a “deer in the headlights.”
It had all happened so fast.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be surprised by what happens within and on this earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become conflicting emotions and feelings where I stand like a dear in the headlights.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not be able to speak when I am in situations where I am surprised.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel powerless when I am in situations/having experiences where I freeze/become petrified/ am like a deer in headlights unable to respond.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that, as in the event/experience from my childhood I am met with a reaction that is not what I imagined in and as my mind and within this I become petrified, like a deer standing in the headlights of an oncoming car.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be so involved with what I am expecting as an outcome in and as what I envision within my desire as a event/drama/outplay/scenario that I stop and stand in surprise and become like a deer standing in the headlights of a car and become forgetfulness of what is actually here, existing and moving physically and within this am no longer able to accept what is actually real, physically, and stand one and equal to.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to see, realize and understand that when the outer world does not meet my inner expectations I freeze and stand like a deer in the headlights of an oncoming car, where, since the car is on coming, the car has not yet reached me, and thus there is space within and as the story and thus there is myself within this able to move in common sense of what is here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear situations where I step outside of my comfort zone because I fear being like a deer standing in the headlights of an oncoming car, where within this become surprise/fear/out of sync with what is actually physically happening and thus separate myself from what is actually physically real as the outer world is not matching the idea/belief/opinion/imagined outcome I had dreamed/wanted/expected in and as my mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame myself for my own ignorance when I am in a situation where what transpires within the physical world is not aligned with what was imagined within my mind.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting myself to have a memory where I am a child standing in front of my mother, with a handful of baby mice , where I become life a deer standing in the headlights of an oncoming car, as my mother does not stop to see the baby mice, but sees vermin and takes these baby mice and flushes them down the toilet.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to blame myself for not having realized and responded to the situation and instead had become so surprised that the reaction from my mother was not what I expected that I froze and became confused with what was physically happening and the imagined response I had expected.
I commit myself to breathing, to realizing an expectation in and as the imaginings of my mind and what is actually physically here as this physical world.
I commit myself to breathing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to enable myself to see, realize and physically understand the space between my self and the headlights on the oncoming physical reality - so to speak.
I commit myself to realizing that in being a “deer standing in the headlights of an oncoming car” I am standing within an expectation and thus, am surprised when the outer physical world is not meeting my own imagined expectation.
I commit myself to breathing, so that I am here one and equal to this physical world and not existing within an expectation, using my common sense in and as myself one and equal to my human physical body where I have the capacity in and as being here within and as a human physical body to move my legs and step out of the headlights of the oncoming car, visible as the lights oncoming as what reveals the existence of the car.
No comments:
Post a Comment