Day 22 Irritation- self separation
I have been impatient and irritated, noticing this coming up as I talk with people. As I write this I see that I become irritated by a lack of common sense in people around me, which is a lack of common sense within my self. I have voiced my irritations and within the conversation expressed solutions and I get a lot of agreement, but when suggesting becoming involved I immediately am met with justifications.
But this is my world, a complacent middle class, where it is polite to agree, but here is where it stops. The idea of actual change is not possible, actually physically directing is lacking.
An example; my car mechanic. My gas peddle has some electrical part that registers the peddle moving to start the car. This part breaks down. This has happened. The mechanic told me this peddle will do this, all it takes is to bypass this point directed by this trigger. Just press the peddle and find the fine point just beyond this trigger. He then said many people cannot do this, but I could try. I did. It works. The mechanic said it was not necessary to change this.
The point here is when he said, “not many people can do this.” Yes, many people have little common sense of their physical world. I may have slightly more and I am sure there is more to be in physical common sense.
I feel like I face this all the time in talking with people. In word they can agree but in practice there is no application, and the moment of asking for application, there is no movement. It is almost as though there is resistance to any action, but words are OK, safe.
Sound like separation? Many times people will agree but that moment of actually applying , nervousness sets in and fear. I do this as well, here I must breath and not fear a mistake.
When I practice the violin, I have to slow down and realize the space I bypass within fear- as nervousness or anxiety. It is like seeing where I stop, or what I know, and incorporating beyond this, as there are spaces un sensed or filled with awareness. Like anxiety does not allow sense. Here i have to breath and slow down. So, if this is not realized by a person, as this is what anxiety is, then the extension of self cannot fathom this unless this is really sought. And even here, to begin this seems impossible at the start.
Today in my car, I was listening to recordings from Eqafe. I breathed, I listened. I started to get so tired. I griped the wheel and listened and breathed. And, I really wanted to go to sleep. I almost nodded off. It is like not being able to really breath, as though there are things in the way of breathing , of sensing. It is there but the fear, the stories of the past cloud, the unresolved are in the way, slow down and breath. I just became a state of “suspension” remaining in wanting to sleep and breathing. It is like the separated parts are the ONLY looked at parts, and thus are distanced from the whole, singular frames of reference floating on a moving river, thus the illusion becomes separation as unconnected to the whole. Thus, there need be no fear. Breath and calm.
So, I feel this irritation as this separation, this lack of communication with reaching beyond verbal agreement, where fear then comes up and immediate shut down happens. I have become separate from my environment.
Meanwhile, underlying this is a sense of separation within me with my environment. I am aware that I have no family, and this came up as I was driving today. Even when I was teaching after my husband died, as he had committed suicide, I felt I did not deserve to teach because my husband had committed suicide, as though I lacked something. Ironically another teacher here in the schools had a husband who killed himself as well, and it was suggested that she leave the school. As the two had been separated for some time, she stood up and managed to keep her job. ( she had also been teaching for sometime and with budget cuts I sometimes wonder if excuses are sought to get rid of tenured teachers to replace them with newbies to lower school costs0
But this is the world in which we live, where a singular idea is accepted, inconsiderate of the whole.
Anyway, since my children are in college I am alone in the “picture” of society limitation. And this “feeling” came up today, so I am here to forgive this as this is a separation that I have accepted and allowed as belief within my world and perhaps is a disconnect from my world, as I have separated my self from here as believing I lack the very image I am seeing as my emotion and feeling, where i see only this as how I feel and thus ignore the whole of my life, my husband’s life, how this world works, and the potential judgements of other within their own beliefs about this, as they are also limited in a common sense of the whole.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to long for a family.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to miss my dead husband, to miss the companion ship, to wish her were here, just to have company because I believe that I need company.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that there is something missing from my world, when this is just an idea as all that I know and the habit I have existed as.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I cannot function because my husband is dead, when I have proved to my self that in deed I can function, so this projection as belief is an illusion.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to desire a “family” which is actually a fuzzy logic, because I have had a family and continue to have a family, thus this is really a singular image I only see and not what is actually here.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to want to “have a family” and to not see that this is longing for a past as my life has gone into another period where my children are in college and my mind functions from the past and projects onto the future and thus this is only the mind as my self in separation from here.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I need the picture perfect family picture, with woman, man, and children.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to imagine what it would be life to have my husband here at this changing point in time where our children have gone off to college.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to realize I miss my husband and not my children as my children need to “go out and learn about the world on their own” and what i was told by family and friends was that I would miss my children and this is not what i am missing, I am missing my husband, which is my self in separation from here LOL
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that many times people have told me what i was going to feel and it ended up not being what happened within me.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to have the feeling of missing my husband.
I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting myself to realize that this feeling is more in self interest as self religion as what I have been taught to believe that I must complete the picture of acceptable society, and thus as this, I feel separate from society in that I am not the picture perfect woman with a family, where I have a husband.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to judge my self as being less than because i lack a member of the family picture.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that there is something lacking in my existence because I no longer have my husband.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to exist within a negative polarity in and as not having the complete family picture where I judge a complete family picture as being a positive.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have romantic ideas about being a family picture, where I exist as a singular story book romance of the perfect family.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self for not realizing that this idea of a perfect family is inconsiderate of a multi-dimensional existence.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to idolize a family as more than any other situation,
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to pity my self for not having the perfect family picture.
I commit my self to realizing that not having the perfect family picture of a husband and children as being something separate from my self as what i am supposed to be and that not having this means that I am less than life, as i am the same person whether or not I have a perfect family picture existence or not.
I commit my self to realizing that I project separation from existence in believing myself to lack what is believed to be more than within this world as I believe I no longer fit into what i have been told I need, meaning I need a man.
I commit my self to breath, to stop and breath, to bring my self to what is actually physically here.
I commit my self to breathing, and i bring this point of separation as an idea of lack back to my self and place my self one and equal to what is here, as my husband is dead thus wanting and wishing for something is separation from who I am in what i do, even if he was here.
I commit my self to realizing that husband or no husband, this has nothing to do with who I am in what I do.
I commit my self to breathing, to realize that I am allone here, and as this, it is what I am within what I do in every moment here and this is not contingent on a husband by my side or not.
I commit my self to removing all feelings of guilt about my husband’s death, as this is living in the past about something that I can do nothing about here, in this moment.
I commit my self to breathing, to breath, to being here, as I am life, with or without a husband and that it is only a singular belief as held in view as being more than that is the limitation.
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