a widows journey to life

Day 30: Hemorrhoid

I have a hemorrhoid and it is really annoying and it hurts. I have had them about four times in my life. The first when I was pregnant. It was awful, because I was Italy on tour and I could not walk and there was all this great food and I did not want to eat because of this hemorrhoid. 

The other times I have gotten them is when I ate corn chips or corm tortillas, for some reason this does not like to go through my system. So, I avoid corn ships and corn tortillas. But I ate some the other day because I happen to really like corn chips and corn tortillas. 

Interesting that I get this when both of my children have come home from college.

So, I will look at this word HEMORRHOID, already I hear the word “horrid” and horrid it is, anyone out there knows this. if I hide this and am embarrassed, then the problem will never be brought out into the open and resolved. Walk through this, look at it and find a solution, hiding is not a solution, hiding is hiding. it is a simple as that. And we are all the same. So get over it and let’s get this mess cleaned up. This world needs to become life. A constant. Heaven. That which is right here but we are all too busy hiding from our own gift of response ability as life. The absurdity of this becomes apparent if we take the time to look.

So,  HEMORRHOID  : horror, more, he, or, void, orr/ear, here more void, here more hide ( interesting that my ass hole is my hide),  

Backwards spelling: d i o h r r o m e h, dios/god row me.

Dictionary definition:

hemorrhoid |ˈhem(ə)ˌroid| ( Brit. haemorrhoid)

noun (usu. hemorrhoids)

a swollen vein or group of veins in the region of the anus. Also (collectively) called piles .

DERIVATIVES

hemorrhoidal |ˌhem(ə)ˈroidl| adjective

ORIGIN late Middle English : via Old French and Latin from Greek haimorrhoides (phlebes) ‘bleeding (veins),’ from haima ‘blood’ + an element related to rhein ‘to flow.’

Interesting: Flowing of blood from the anus. Am I shitting out my life force….yes.

My younger son is smoking pot and taking albuteral. My older son snaps at me all the time, as though I do not make sense. he does not want to come home, as this summer will be in Germany for an internship. I feel I have little time to clean up what I have participated in with my children, as though I am still here in the process of birth with them. I am pregnant with them and here, birthing them, an endless task, an endless act of birth, an endless flow of my blood to support them as I feel I have created them and am responsible for them as they are me, as I took on the responsibility of them when I accepted and allowed them to become a replica of my self, to carry on my believed superior values in a system of survival/competition and profit. They are a feel good for my self, to believe I have been a good woman, a good mother, that I know what life is about and will be successful through my children.

They are capable of becoming themselves. This they can only find themselves. And an understanding of how this system works is really all I can give at this point. Speak, and though not heard immediately, in time the words will come back, this is what I can do, to stand and speak even if it appears this is not being heard. As things between the three of us have become calmer, and the boys notice this. Just keep going. And do not judge, or self blame as this is not a solution. And hemorrhoids hurt like hell and hell is being hell and not being here self directing as what is best for all.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to blame my self for what i have accepted and allowed, to become woe full, a woeman, to and towards my children, wanting them to understand, which is my self wanting apology and is not productive in directing in common sense within and as the principle of oneness in equality.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to allow this immense sense of sadness where i believe I have destroyed life, the life that is in my children, while here I am with a hemorrhoid that is my self destroying the life that is my self in self pity and shame for what I have accepted and allowed, which is the mind, and more of the same self  punishment that is not my self being life here, as life does not punish, life moves as what is best for all if allowed to exist, yet in abdicating my own self responsibility as life, I have allowed directives within a system of limited design, as profit/competition for survival, the division of the resource of this world in the name of self interest lacking consideration of self as life as self believed itself to be separate from life, and thus became addicted to this separation as it believed itself to be more than and less than as it began to compare and label as more than and less than and within this separation build towers of value judgements and sought to uphold these values as a means of self definition and survival and required resource as life, to feed this totem/self created religion ( rely on) system of belief separate from self that is of energy as energy is separation into and as more than and less than, and thus energy which needed to burn resource in order to continue the flow of energy as what self had become in separation from equality as life as the essence of what self was in fact.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to blame my self for what I have accepted and allowed and to not realize that this perpetuates the act of separation and is more of the same as it is energy, as self judgement and self pity are negative energy experiences, an illusion of the mind - as the mind is separation from here as self as life as common sense as equality and oneness- and thus non directive as the principle of oneness in equality which is being here one and equal to life here.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to believe I am responsible for my children, when all I can do is show the structure of what is here, what has been accepted and allowed and it is up to them to either see this or ignore this.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear failing.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear success.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to wish someone would come and help me when this is pointless because this is wanting someone else to speak for me, and thus this is self abdication and in fact I must realize it is the self as the living word here that is all I can self perfect my self as, and someone being here is not the self as my self being the doing of this, thus wanting someone here for this is not something to consider.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that this is a burden.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to get really fearful when my older son starts to hear me and then looks at me and says he would no longer be able to exist in this world if he looked.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I do not matter as I am already so fucked with what I have accepted and allowed that all I can do is try and clean up what i have accepted and allowed, when I remember reading that one of the resonances said that age does not a matter, so I have to keep going and there is not anything else to do anyway because I cannot go back, which is how I got here in the first place.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to not realize, that the present system on this earth is not about allowing life, but about allowing energetic addiction sustenance as sex, power, money, control, and does not move in a way that is an expression of life, is filled with words that separate and feed and direct the human towards sexual gratification, and comfort from facing what self has accepted and allowed though self not realizing the separation from life in abdication of self responsibility as life where what is sought is a feel good, positive experience of self justification and self validation as an idea/belief/opinion of what self is in seeing only more than and less than, that has created a halo/ghost/bubble of imagery as memory around each and every one of us, this that is our separation and what we believe to be real, this that as we age becomes all that we are, this very being of what we are that which eats of the resource of this physical world that is the human physical body, as within so without, as above so below.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to expect immediate response and correction within my self and my children, where if this does not immediately manifest, I accuse my self of having done something wrong as I become the woeman of life. where I am a negative experience to allow a man to have an egotistical positive experience, there by not self directing my self as life, correcting my self into and as breath within the principle of oneness and equality to and as life here.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to then, within this, try and create scenarios where I can prove to myself that i am capable of speaking where I will then have a positive energetic experience thus turning this whole process into more of the same as what has been accepted and allowed, thus I cannot try and change what I have accepted and allowed within my self , my world, here, there is only breath and becoming the living word as what is best for all.

This brings up a memory, the night my husband killed himself. I was sitting in the living room, there was my sister and a shrink there watching me. the shrink just watched me. Suddenly, and this was my interpretation of this, it seemed as though Matthew was there, as me, was in me, like I could smell him, and the pain came, such intense pain, like everything was nauseous, like I wanted to regurgitate my whole human insides, it was so intense and I want to say unbearable, but I remained silent and still as I believed that I was being shown how and why Matthew did what he did, to get away from the pain that her felt a pain so e-messed within his human physical body he could no longer take this and wanted to escape this. How was I supposed to express this to a shrink? When I had no way of knowing what the hell this was, all I can say is that it felt like hell.

I commit my self to no longer blaming my self for what I have accepted and allowed as this is not the being of my self as the principle of oneness in equality here as life.

I commit my self to breathing and no longer existing as fear for my children as this is not a solution and just as in the movie BUCK, where he realizes that suffering is not necessary for the human in self development, so too, is this suffering as this separation from life in and as a mind consciousness system, that is actually a parasite, created to show us what we have accepted and allowed in becoming separate from life, where all there is to do is to clean this up and become the living word as life, as the principle of oneness in equality, where life is supported on this earth instead of burned to support an addiction to highs and lows in energy, in separation from life.

I commit my self to supporting a system that allows this world to be cleaned up so that heaven on earth may begin through supporting an equal money system, where all can live the life of a millionaire and learn to become the living word in joy and NOT through suffering.

I commit my self to not realizing that every time I have a desire for sex I have existed as my mind, and abdicated my own common sensibility as life, and thus accumulated energy that needs release, like discharging the smoke from my own energetic picture show that is my self in separation from my self as life, where my words had no substance.

I commit my self to realizing that all anger and self pity is not who I am as life, but is who I am as what I have accepted and allowed my self to be what I am as consciousness and is thus the why I am in pain and disease as I have allowed my self to become energy/separation from the principle of oneness and equality that is life here.

I commit my self to no longer accepting and allowing my self to have a symbiotic relationship with a parasite in fear of my self as life here.