Day 37 Age of innocence?

Day 37 Age of Innocence

I have had an image in my head lately of my self as a child wrapping my arms around my father’s neck. A behavior I enjoy with men, I have always likes the neck. Seems this is still with me, a place of comfort. A place to hide? As this is what is here as a memory as a picture, in my conscious mind.

I look to this memory, I bring this here. THere it was , it was like I was pretending something - and while reading another process blog this word pretend jumped out at me, I had a pain jump up in my chest and I re-read the sentence I had just read, and “pretend” jumped out. Then came the image “of the day” - so to speak.

When in fear, when the being of my self as “not looking” or seeing my self not being in common sense, as knowing I am not looking or pretending, tending to something other than actually looking at what is here, this act from childhood remains, even though I have no idea what specifically lead me to seek this comfort, this act of seeking comfort remains. Was I just wanting the energetic high of comfort/attention/drama?

Meanwhile the underlying fear here with my self has been about money. When I face tuition payments and changes financially I tend to stall making decisions, like I want to escape to the bitter end and then organize. I measure how much time I have and then make the decision, a careful procrastination. And then I want something to hide in, to avoid making a decision. The caution is not so much the problem, things must be looked at, it is the worry and the escape added onto this that is unnecessary and it only drags me down when this time could be used within clarity instead of a hazy anxiety where I imagine worse case scenarios. I have done this so many times, like clockwork, which is what the mind does, it works like a clock, ticking away as anxiety if I accept and allow it. I can’t make decisions within this state and thus it is no wonder I want to hide. One behavior precipitates the other, and both are clutter. Stop.

Some of the financial decisions I have to make cannot be made in this moment as I do not have all the answers, so I have to let it go and look at what i can do here in this moment. The answers will come and be seen more clearly if I am not lost in worry and I will accomplish a lot more. Plus, I won’t need to hide in a damsel in distress drama as I am not inferior seeking a superior as an idea based on a story line, instead I use the physical world in practical common sense. 

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to realize that when I am anxious and fearful I relive actions I learned as a child, to seek comfort from a man, as my mother was not especially fond of taking care of babies, which she has stated many times, and it was my father that was there when I was really young.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize this image in and as my mind was what came up after months of self forgiveness, where I, as this memory, am aware of my self being comforted by my father and also aware of my self doing this as some kind of drama, yet this action as hiding from a fear remains, and so when I am here as an adult I tend to continue to do this, to want to run and hide in the comfort of a man when I am anxious and worried.

I forgive my self for not realizing that this is a burden for the man and for my self as is not a solution to fear and anxiety.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to connect this comfort from fear to intimacy with men.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have created a habit of seeking attention from men when I feel anxious, even though I am aware that I do this, and at times I have stopped my self as it does not solve any problems and many times men simply do not have the answers, or the support seems unnecessary, I continue to have this come up in instances of anxiety, where the present system on this earth is of the need for money to sustain oneself on an earth that gives unconditionally where men have signed  ownership to the resources of this earth, imposing a system of conditioned support within a false creation/belief of lack.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to relate my fears to the role of my self as a woman where I believe I am dependent on men and must seek council and comfort from men instead of using common sense and directing my self to look and realize what is practical here, and within this utilize the principle of what is best for all and the application of breath, to keep my self here and out of the mind, as becoming separate from what is physically here.

I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to give up my past and place my self here in common sense, without fear of loss, as there is nothing to lose being here, yet, as I have experienced, there is something to lose if I allow my self to become anxious and seek comfort as a habit, within the arms of a man

I commit my self to stopping my self from going into anxiety and fear about money and to breath, to realize that at the moment i cannot make decisions as the tuition bills for my sons have not yet arrived so all I have is to be cautions and practical with finances.

I commit my self to stopping my self from wondering off into anxiety and fear and to in common sense look at what is here this month and that next month I will have a better idea of where I stand in terms of finances.

I commit my self to following  what I have outlined to complete on my home and to spend time everyday within the desteni process as this is what I am able to walk in the moment.

I commit my self to focusing on what is here, and to not wonder off in my mind , as my mind is built of the past and based on judgements within a hierarchy of stagnant labels and limited insight, an accepted separation of being here, where, as in my memory as a child, there is no answer to being here in common sense of what is here, where what is here is life, and as life, everything that is here is equal and one, and all the actions around me are me as it is the actions and the movements that are the being of life, where action becomes of absolute purpose when the principle of what is best for all is applied and thus here is the direction as what is best for all is best for self.