a widows journey to life

Day 29: Family is home.

My family is here, mother’s day, mother and sister came, sons are home. All in one day. My self, I become so aware of trying to communicate and remain here with ease and I find my self  trying to bridge a gap away from creating more patterns of separation, to not react but to direct, through not reacting. Meanwhile, this sense of being depressed comes, where as heaviness comes that is my self not expressing my self, as though this is not allowed. So, it is just trying to not become this, to use common sense to be here with what is real and to realize that this is all I can do, is be here and not allow any emotions and feelings and thoughts of judgement that are past on perceptions of inferiority and superiority to be real, to not measure and compare, as this is only the mind in separation from my self as being an expression of life, to realizing that all that is here is my self in another life, and thus one and equal to me here. So I breath. Even though I may not know where to go in common sense, hanging onto a more than or less than belief is simply not an option. It is more of, “ not going there into judgement,”  as though this “tiger” must be tamed and realized.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that there is a personality of my self that is all that there is, and that this is what is real.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to take the conversation, the small talk about how and why things are, what they are, and how they move, from family members as something to combat, or feel inferior to, or take as a threat, or react to, or judge as a waste of time.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to want effects as reactions and responses from family members.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel I am in a state of simply not allowing any emotional reactions to come up as this is my self as my mind and thus my self existing in my past, based on memories that are self judgements of more than and less than, inferiority and superiority.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to at times speak to validate my self,  which is my self validating a personality as an idea based on my past.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that at the moment it is enough to simply not be a reaction,to not take things personally and to stand up from this habit of taking things personally.

I commit my self to not taking things personally.

I commit my self to breathing through any reactions and to stand here without allowing my self to react to what is said by others within my world at the moment.

I commit my self to remaining here in breath, to being gentle with my self and facing what I allow my self to exist as emotionally and to realize this is based on ideas of more than and less than, and thus not what is real, not what is directive as what is best for all, to clean up what has existed as relationships separate from the principle of what is best for all, here.

I commit my self to remaining calm and directed with my self, to bring everything back to self, and directing my self from the principle of oneness in equality, to what is best for all, as I remain and move in and as breath while my sons are here for the next few days.

I commit my self to not becoming sad about what has been accepted and allowed within the role of my self as a mother within a system of profit, of all the beliefs and ideas that has been the movement of my self within a role geared towards the support of survival, competition and thus comparison leading to fragmented personality development and not an awareness of what has been allowed on this earth and thus a lack of awareness of my self as life, and the self that is what is my sons as themselves as life, where this sadness is not a solution and must be forgiven as the only choice is to realize what has been accepted and allowed, to forgive, and to correct within the principle of what is best for all is best for self.

I commit my self to not allowing my self to seek a positive experience where i am validated within the choices I make, and to use such desires to reveal my own separations of believing something is lost, or can be lost, and to direct my self not as mind, but through breathing and remaining here, where just as I continue to breath life into and as my human physical body, so will I breath life into what is here, through remaining within breath before speaking, as the only response is as what is best for all.