I sit on my couch reading on the internet and my dog is next to me licking and cleaning herself. I am annoyed. I want to tell her to go outside and lick herself. I stop, I realize that it is me being annoyed, the dog is just being a dog and doing what a dog does, cleans itself. What I am as I am doing and being here in this moment is judging this action of my dog as being annoying, her cleaning of herself is annoying to me. Why project this irritation onto my dog?
Why does it annoy me that she is cleaning herself? Besides the fact that she will take up all the space on the couch if I let her. I have to remind her to share the couch.
Maybe it is the sound. I have a memory of hearing this slurping sound and finding the family cat eating the pet hamster in the hall way one time. I was so disgusted I had my sister deal with the mutilated Hamster. And then, one summer, I spent some time alone with my sisters when our dog got sick. Our dog, Clyde, had a tumor on his back, it got very big and opened while my parents were gone, the flies started climbing around on this tumor. Then the next day the dog was dead, Clyde was dead.
I could not bury the dog, I was completely incapable of burying that dog I was so upset, my sisters buried the dog. I have buried pets before, and not been so upset, something about this dog dying disturbed me to the point where I could not stop crying. I remember this incident because I was so upset at the time I was useless. I had not experienced this before. I mean, I just weeped the whole time, I felt I had no control over this. Like I said, I have lost pets and buried them before and never had this reaction.
Well, Clyde had blocked my mother one time when she went to spank me, he was not going to let her, this was impressive. Clyde was normally a very gentle and docile collie, to see him show his teeth was a BIG surprise for my self and my mother.
I no longer have this affection for dogs that I had when I was a child. And since I have had a hard time defining affection, seeing my dog be affectionate with herself is my self being annoyed by affection, by suppressing my own self and my own affection, this that I had that was natural when I was young, a child, this unconditional giving and enjoyment of dogs.
Was the death of Clyde my self experiencing the fear of my self allowing my self to be affectionate?
This pattern reverberates all over this earth. A tumor is filled with pesticides, one of those details seldom disclosed. Pesticides have no affection, no care , no sympathy with this earth and how this earth works, pesticides were created in self interested profit ONLY practices. Survival games remove affection, as closeness and being one with what is here , being equal and respectful with what is here, not being/bringing in irritation in any way.
So, I watch my dog being self intimate, cleaning itself without judgement and I am irritated. Maybe I need a long dog tongue to clean my self and become intimate with my self. My irritation and annoyance is showing me my own separation from my self as life, where no affection exists as what I am. My irritation is my self whining to close the gap of my self from myself back to a closeness with self that is the illusion I have accepted and allowed.
So, I breath, I forgive my self and I correct my self and focus my self into affection for this gift of life.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to become annoyed at my dog for being affectionate with herself.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to become irritated with my dog for taking care of herself and cleaning herself, being close to herself.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to project irritation onto my dog for making loud licking noises next to me.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to have an aversion to my dog cleaning and licking herself.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to be the experience of disgust at my dog for licking and cleaning herself right next to me.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to label my dog disgusting for licking and cleaning herself right next to me on the couch.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not look into my self immediately and see where this that is me, as what is being a feeling of disgust and irritation and annoyance, and to stop and realize the cause of these feelings and emotions that are indicators of my own separations from life into and as judgement through the simple act of a dog cleaning itself.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to be disgusted with an expression of affection and closeness, in and as a dog cleaning itself with its tongue.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear being affectionate.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to connect affection to something that is disgusting.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear being close to a dog for fear that dog will eventually die.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear affection for fear it will be taken away.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to avoid affection for fear it will be taken away.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear being judged for showing affection.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear feeling, as my self, affection for life, as all that is here.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear being close to my self for fear of what i might find within and as my self.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear becoming affectionate, as in being close to my self, accepting my self, for fear I will discover that I will have to stand up as my self and direct my self as there is no other choice but this as this is the ONLY was to stop the experience of separation and irritation that is a whine of my self in separation of my self, as my self as life, and not the projector I have accepted and allowed through worry and stress, and persona development that I know is the consumption of my self and the loss of my self as self as that which is closeness as oneness as being able to be affectionate with life as life.
I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting myself to let go of irritation, anger and the experience of annoyance as this means that I will have to speak up against this same act as whining as what annoyance and irritation and anger is as an expression of emotion and feeling within this world, period.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that this irritation and annoyance is separation and thus loss of a common sense of this physical world.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear my own commonsense of this physical world.
When and as I become irritation and annoyance I stop I breath, I realize breath/earth/heart as one with my self here, I do not allow my self to not be here and feel here, one with, equal to, breath/earth/heart as this is my self here, this that is the real intelligence of my self here.
When and as I become irritation and annoyance I realize that I am separate from my own heart/earth/breath and I stop and I breath and I feel as common sense what is actually physically here as my self as life and I direct my self here as this in every moment, I live and breath an affection for this breath/heart/earth, a closeness to this breath/heart/earth as what I am here.
I commit my self to using, allowing and accepting my self to use, to be, one and equal as heart/breath/earth with every step, in every moment here as there is no other choice but this as my self here equal and one to breath/heart/earth.
I commit my self to using my breath/heart/earth as that which is here to allow my self to become and realize a closeness, an affection to and for and as my self as life here, equal and one in and as this physical world where I stop the mind and recognize any and all projections of irritation, anger, and annoyance as what I have accepted and allowed as separation of my self as life.
“B r e a t h
E a r t h
H e a r t ” Bernard Poolman
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