Day 23 Breath and being here.
Am I so used to being a negative experience, of going into a negative experience to motivate my self into getting something done? Like, and the statement constructed in my mind is, “ If I don’t get this done then I won’t have this. “ So I focus on what needs to be done, become overwhelmed and then imagine some gloom and doom scenario that makes me pick my self up and get the thing done. This is a roller coaster. As though I need to wallow to have something to climb out of.
But this would be an undirected meaningless starting point, self creating a meaning in order to move, as self is stuck in a singular relationship, moving perpetually from one point to another, lost in time. My habit, my religion, my separation, my breation ( I meant to write creation lol) of conflict. Creating a sense of responsibility. This is creating a separation because of fear of self directing. There is a place I want to go, and I fear taking the steps. This does not really require the baggage of motivation to get there, and I won’t even know where “there” is because I am not there, I am here, so this worrying of being there could become something other that planned or imagined.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to burden my self with doubt and worry about the future, and to question what I have chosen to do, wanting to have it be all planned out and clear within and as my mind, where I then spend so much time on the details of my direction that I am no longer here and have overwhelmed my self and have to force my self to move through fear of loss should I not.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear spending money right now because I have apologetic letters from universities that say they had to raise costs but that the good news is that the government has given 500,000$ more in loan funding, which sounds like local politics where the schools asked for overrides and the local superintendent then gave himself a raise. Thus, this means that the salaries of the teachers have gone up, and the money is not with the people, so the government will lend more money, which is indirect government salary increases on the backs of the future generations, these students that will probably not be able to find a job, which means that there is seriously something wrong with the money system these days. ( OK this was off topic, but it just came out)
So, I am worrying about money and then I fear a change, fear making a change. And this behavior that I am here, is what I see in my world around me. I see this middle class ( though many might call themselves lower class) society fearful of anything new or suggesting making any kind of change, as though everyone is frozen within worry about money and cannot, will not upset what exists for fear of loss. Yet, as can be seen in the school scenario, there is a problem. This system is like a game of Russian Roulette, but here where I live, everyone is wearing a blindfold. Rather than look and change this system, they exist in not looking and hoping the bullet does not fire on their turn.
So to bring my self out of my own stagnation I will forgive my self through writing and correcting the action as the state of my self as what I am here.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to worry about the future.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear the future.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear my own fear.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to connect fear to the future.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not look at what is here and realize that the only way out is to change this system as it does not work.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize my own practical common sense and to walk what i have decided to do at this point in oder to function in a way that is best for all and to use what I have to lead to a change within this world.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear my own decisions.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear spending money.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize I am wallowing in and as my mind, creating a drama, which is in effect causing my self to avoid what needs to be done and burdening my self with projections into the future.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear losing something, when if I allow my self to exist in and as worry as my mind, I have already lost something, and that is my self as life.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to become anxious about cost increases for college.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not make it very clear to my self that worrying about money is being worry about money which is not a solution and thus, it is to common sensically be practical with what is here.
I commit my self to stopping the mind as thoughts of worry, where I catch my self separating my self from here, this physical reality, and doing what needs to be done.
I commit my self to finishing what I have decided to do until it is done and not allow my self to begin to doubt and fall into not wanting to change for fear of a system that is by nature unstable and which I can only stand up within and convey to others the nature of this system of money that is unstable until this begins to be understood and realized, and that this system can in fact be changed, but that it will take many people standing together without fear, simply and peacebly realizing that it must change and walking the political steps necessary to make this change, yet I don’t think this will happen in America. If anything America will be last., where many will suffer and many will turn and ignore actually looking and seeing and understanding what is going on until it is possibly too late and they will not have the power to change this system.
I commit my self to stopping my mind so that I may become stable and able to direct my self effectively towards supporting a system that supports life.
I commit my self to remaining within breath and forgiving my self as what I have been taught to believe, as a system of behavior seeking reward to survive in self interest only where the whole of existence is not considered as the human, from birth was never taught to be aware of the physical world.
No comments:
Post a Comment